When pigs fly
The US Department of Transport has decided to ban all “emotional support animals” (that aren’t officially certified service dogs) from airplanes. Bad news for everyone that needs to cuddle with goats to get them through the day. Bad news for everyone that is so single they decided to take their pig on vacation with them. Bad news for the copycat criminals who wanted to recreate the iconic movie “Snakes on a Plane.”
Creatures masquerading as “emotional support” animals have ironically caused more emotional turmoil than support. They’ve bitten crew members, induced allergic reactions and left unspeakable messes on the planes. (And you thought the Delta seats were meant to smell that way).
But it gets worse. In 2018, a student flying from Baltimore to Florida tried to board with an “emotional support hamster.” When the animal was denied, she ruthlessly flushed him down the toilet and boarded anyway.
RIP that hamster. But you have to imagine what he was thinking in that moment… “Woooo! Waterslide!!! Oh wait…oh shit..shit…I am in literal shit.” The end.
That student must’ve been really desperate to get out of Baltimore to risk committing hamstricide. (Which is understandable because it’s, well, Baltimore).
It’s so weird because airlines charge you $500 to bring like an extra purse onboard, but someone’s mini horse flies for free. It’s a sad day when you realize that mini horses are more glamorous and well-traveled than many Americans.
On Middle Eastern airlines, falcons are frequent travelers. But the falcons have to have passports and their owners pay for their seats (up to $1,620). Note: kind of random to pay thousands of dollars for an airplane seat for an animal that can literally fly by itself.
The ban is a little unfair because, while some people are clearly abusing the system, others really do have obscure emotional support needs. For example, one man tried to board with his “emotional support spider.” Totally legitimate. The spider cuddled him and sang him lullabies the entire flight. Just kidding. But it probably was legitimate, right? When you see a spider, the first emotion you feel is supported.
However unfortunate, the days of flying pigs and flying falcons are over. (Well, the falcons will probably still fly). What spurred the ban? One too many mini horses pissing in the aisle? One too many rabbits drooling on passengers? One too many hamsters flushed down a toilet?
No matter the cause, American carriers have firmly decided that “emotional support animals” are out. The good news? The airlines have yet to ban your “emotional support vodka tonic.”