Tucker Gets Touchy

Tucker Carlson speaking with attendees at the 2018 Student Action Summit hosted by Turning Point USA at the Palm Beach County Convention Center in West Palm Beach, Florida. Image from: Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America 

Tucker Gets Touchy

It would appear onthefence.news has some competition in the trying-to-be-non-partisan-news-based-entertainment gig. And it’s come from an unlikely place. 

On 4. April Fox News Anchor and runner-up of the Melted Ken Doll Lookalike pageant, Tucker Carlson, issued an apology for unjustly attacking a granola-munching lib-tard. No, not for claiming Obamacare to be ‘unconstitutional’, or for asking how ‘we end(ed) up in a country where feminists do science?’. The apology was actually extended to Joe Biden — for the love of God, man. 

What started out seeming like a good-natured reach-around across the aisle is really just the continuation of a dishearteningly cavalier attitude toward men making women feel uncomfortable. 

‘Hugging is not sexual assault. Eskimo kisses are not rape. That used to be obvious. It’s not obvious anymore’ Carlson writes in his statement. No, they aren’t sexual assault or rape. And that’s probably why nobody claimed that. Lucy Flores and Amy Lappos, two of the ‘accusers’, aka women who said the hair-sniffing was a bit much (yup, sounds fair), both clarified they didn’t believe the behavior to be of a sexual nature. 

Most people agree this story isn’t featured in the Weinstein catalogue of sexual misconduct, but most people also agree he behaved like a probably good-natured bumpkin greeting his grandchildren. Which is fine if you’re greeting your bumpkin grandchildren, but simply wasn’t appropriate in the aforementioned situations. 

In fairness to Biden, he dealt with the situation well and realized it was a matter of respecting personal space, not sexual assault. It’s as if he understood the – , what’s that thing? Oh, yeah, the nuance of the situation. But this story ain’t about boring-ass nuanced awareness. This is a Tucker goddamn Carlson story! So you can bet your ass there ain’t no room for nuance here! In a world of Capitalists and Communists, wholesome, god-fearing patriots and hedonic, baby-killing liberals, sweet apple pie and runny dog shit, there can only be handshakes or pussy-grabbing. 

‘But hugging people is not a sin. Sorry. It’s not, even if many on the left would like to criminalize it’ There it is. ‘Don’t sniff people who don’t want to be sniffed’ becomes ‘hugs are illegal!’ Sadly, this is not just an example of exuberant exaggeration, but rather a downplaying of stories involving women being made to feel uncomfortable – a recurring nuisance for the GOP. 

At least ol’ Tuck has provided the GOP with a new tag-line (‘make America great again’ is so played): ‘A country where you’re afraid to touch other people is a country we don’t want to live in’

Yup, he actually wrote that.

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