Toilet vs. Tree


Toilet vs. Tree

George Clooney can win an Oscar, manufacture his own Tequila, and make deep deep V necks looks good. He cannot, however, build a toilet in his backyard. Guess no one can really have it all.


Six years ago, Clooney and his wife bought a £10 million mansion in South Oxfordshire. They added indoor and outdoor swimming pools and 18 CCTV cameras (because 19 or 20 would’ve been overkill). They also got permission from the local council to build a tennis court. However, when Clooney requested permission to build an outdoor toilet, he was brutally rebuffed. 


Weird how the council understood Clooney’s basic human need for a tennis court but did not understood his basic human need for a toilet. 


Apparently the council was worried that Clooney’s outdoor toilet would damage the nearby roots of a protected tree. Not sure what kind of toxic stuff would have to be going on in that toilet to literally kill a tree.  


The tree officer’s report said that the plans were rejected “Due to the high value and prominence of this tree.” Still, whatever the “high value and prominence” of this tree, it’s probably nothing compared to the “high value and prominence” of any toilet that has ever been used by George Clooney. 


The report also recommended that Clooney relocate his proposed toilet “to a more appropriate location.” This recommendation seems a little unfair. After all, what could be a more appropriate location for a toilet than in the middle of the backyard? 


Clooney’s agents say the toilet will be “solely for incidental use in connection with the main dwelling house.” The main dwelling house has eight toilets so it’s hard to imagine what kind of “incident” would require usage of the outdoor toilet. 


But whatever it could be was deemed unimportant compared to the disastrous effect of toilet flushing on nearby tree roots. The district council’s forestry team said that these trees provide “a significant positive contribution to the wider landscape.” Suppose they have a point there. Although the image of George Clooney sitting on his backyard toilet would undoubtedly also provide a significant positive contribution to the wider landscape, and indeed, to society in general. 


The Clooneys have now amended their plans for the proposed outdoor toilet and resubmitted them for consideration. They seem persistent about this issue. Because even if you have fame, fortune, and movie-star good lucks, what’s the point if you can’t fill your £10 million backyard with toilets? 

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