To Catch a Cheat
DNA analysis firms are now selling “infidelity tests” so you can find out if your partner is cheating. The days of open and honest communication with your partner are over. The days of sending their dirty underwear to DNA labs have begun.
These firms operate in a shady area of legality. Experts have called it a “Wild West” of genetics testing (which would be true if Wild West cowboys spent all their time looking for semen stains).
To complete the test, you have to send the lab “evidence of an affair,” i.e. underwear, used condoms, a section of a stained bedsheet, etc. (Note: If you find a used condom laying around, do you really need a lab to tell you your partner’s cheating?)
Once you mail in the goods, you also need to pay up. It costs £90 for a semen detection test and £299 for a “gender test” that indicates whether the sample is from a man or a woman. It costs £0 to have an actual conversation with your partner (with the added bonus of you not touching any potential semen stains).
If you’re nervous your dirty bedsheet or used condom getting lost in the mail, then you can also purchase an at-home “sperm detection kit.” These kits are marketed as “perfect for catching a cheating spouse or sexually active teenager.” While these are cheaper than the lab tests, you’ll ultimately end up paying more in therapy bills for the poor disturbed teenager whose mom “sperm detected” him.
If you think these infidelity test sound too good to be true then you’d be right. It’s illegal under the Human Tissue Act of 2004 to DNA test someone’s “bodily material” without their written consent (even if you’re married). In other words, all that “what’s mine is yours” stuff doesn’t apply to suspicious liquid stains in their laundry.
One forensic scientist in America lost her job because she conducted a DNA test on her husband’s underwear while at work. (Was she pretending to take a coffee break or something? How did none of the other scientists notice a pair of dirty men’s underwear under the microscope?)
Although she was only fired, breach of the Human Tissue Act in the UK is punishable by up to three years in prison. And if you had doubts about your relationship with your partner before, then just wait until you spend three years locked up for semen testing their underwear.