Society
by Olivia Keable

The Flying Naked Scotsman

By Olivia Keable
June 26, 2021
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The Flying Naked Scotsman

On Friday, a few thousand Scots descended upon London to watch the much anticipated Euros  game, Scotland vs England. This is the first major tournament Scotland have played in for 23  years. The Scots are definite underdogs in the Euros, but that does not dampen their spirit, as  Adidas said in their advertisement this year, ‘It’s coming hame.’  

 

However due to Covid restrictions there were no designated fan zones, so the thousands of Scots  ran amok on the streets of London, gathering in crowds, punching signs and chugging beers.  

 

The police were granted more power for 48 hours, so they could disperse the crowd with ease.  These unruly, excited fans gathered in Leicester Square and began to fill the grade 2 listed,  Shakespeare fountain with washing up liquid and frolicked around in the bubbles. Northerners  have the old sink wash from time to time, so a fountain was a definite upgrade.  

 

The Scots were bath ready, as most were wondering the streets semi-nude, their pallid tums  resting upon the top of their kilts. London became the Benidorm of the UK filled with half naked  Northerners trying to get a tan.  

 

One incredibly patriotic fan was filmed doing the worm on the tube, due to tradition he had not  worn any underwear beneath his kilt, so his scotch eggs were seen bouncing up and down on the  tube floor. Later on, the same man decided to have a wee dip in Hyde Park, throwing his kilt to the  floor and exposing his bagpipes. He was led away into police custody. 

 

Was this odd weekend of football hooliganism a reaction against the past year of endless  lockdowns? Were the Scots just desperate to feel like they were back in 2019? It’s not just the fans  who feel like this, all of the advertisements for the Euros feel like a throw back to before the virus.  

 

After Brexit, the relationship between the UK and Europe has been fractured, advertising  companies have been working hard to mend this and bring back the spirit of the Euros. Through  doing so they have ignored Coronavirus that has been effecting the world for over a year now. 

 

The BBC decided to show fans and teams all crowded together awaiting the tournament, no social  distancing or a mask insight. When it comes to football it seems that the Euros mark the end of  coronavirus.  

 

These large companies will pay the price for this kind of advertising. With the new strain of  coronavirus emerging, broadcasting to fans that everything is seemingly back to normal will lead to  further spreading of the virus and again the stadiums close. 

 

But when it comes to the arts everything is still on hold, you are not even allowed to stand and dance in  bars anymore. But football seemingly is immune to corona, with thousands of fans gathering and  drinking on the street together. 

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To Catch a Cheat

By Isabelle Bousquette
February 3, 2020
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To Catch a Cheat

DNA analysis firms are now selling “infidelity tests” so you can find out if your partner is cheating. The days of open and honest communication with your partner are over. The days of sending their dirty underwear to DNA labs have begun.

 

These firms operate in a shady area of legality. Experts have called it a “Wild West” of genetics testing (which would be true if Wild West cowboys spent all their time looking for semen stains). 

 

To complete the test, you have to send the lab “evidence of an affair,” i.e. underwear, used condoms, a section of a stained bedsheet, etc. (Note: If you find a used condom laying around, do you really need a lab to tell you your partner’s cheating?)

 

Once you mail in the goods, you also need to pay up. It costs £90 for a semen detection test and £299 for a “gender test” that indicates whether the sample is from a man or a woman. It costs £0 to have an actual conversation with your partner (with the added bonus of you not touching any potential semen stains).

 

If you’re nervous your dirty bedsheet or used condom getting lost in the mail, then you can also purchase an at-home “sperm detection kit.” These kits are marketed as “perfect for catching a cheating spouse or sexually active teenager.” While these are cheaper than the lab tests, you’ll ultimately end up paying more in therapy bills for the poor disturbed teenager whose mom “sperm detected” him. 

 

If you think these infidelity test sound too good to be true then you’d be right. It’s illegal under the Human Tissue Act of 2004 to DNA test someone’s “bodily material” without their written consent (even if you’re married). In other words, all that “what’s mine is yours” stuff doesn’t apply to suspicious liquid stains in their laundry.

 

One forensic scientist in America lost her job because she conducted a DNA test on her husband’s underwear while at work. (Was she pretending to take a coffee break or something? How did none of the other scientists notice a pair of dirty men’s underwear under the microscope?) 

 

Although she was only fired, breach of the Human Tissue Act in the UK is punishable by up to three years in prison. And if you had doubts about your relationship with your partner before, then just wait until you spend three years locked up for semen testing their underwear. 

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Save the American: Windmills and Treadmills

By Spitsbergen
June 12, 2019
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Save the American: Windmills and Treadmills

Life expectancy in the US has been declining 4 years in a row now, which has caused concerns as the rest of the world is still on the way up. Currently, the average time one can expect to live in America is 78 years and 6 months, about 2 to 4 years behind Western counterparts with similar levels of development. But, like most things in America, there is no straight forward answer to the problem and the statistics don’t speak for all states:

The state of New York, Hawaii and California do have life expectancies you might find in countries with abundant shelter and running water. But, if you live in Mississippi, Alabama or West Virginia, you’re likely to be 6 feet under 1 year earlier than someone in Iran, China or Ecuador. It gets even worse on a county level. You’re more likely to make it past 67 in Rwanda, India and The Philippines than you are in Sioux County (North Dakota), Union County (Florida) and Buffalo County (South Dakota). This is worrying stuff. You might even come to question whether America really is the greatest country in the world – when it loses to countries it has either invaded, sanctioned or insulted.

 

So, why are Americans dying out and can they still be saved? A small part of the problem is that Americans have simply lost the will to live. America, as it turns out, is not the greatest place for all and suicides are on the rise. Keith Humphreys of Stanford has said this is partly because “having easily available lethal means is a big risk factor for suicide”, which shows America’s gun problem will likely sort itself out without too much campaigning.

 

The main reason for the declining life expectancy in the US, however, is the rise in heart disease and cancer. Because Americans think smoking is not cool, it can only be one of two things; obesity and windmills (if you believe The Donald that is). It should, of course, come as no surprise that if you use the same sort of scale used by container ships, your life expectancy won’t exceed that of one either:

While science is still out there on the president’s claim that a windmill’s “noise causes cancer”, the  map is sceptical: 

Statistics also show that being religious means you’re also more likely to die young in the US.  In fact, the least religious regions of the US tend to live the longest. Meaning time is better spent building windmills or finding a treadmill, than bothering god by asking him to bless America every 5 minutes – he doesn’t seem to care. 

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