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by Spitsbergen

Swimming Pool Politics

By Spitsbergen
June 29, 2019
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Swimming Pool Politics

There’s drama in France during the hottest week recorded in years, as two swimming pools have been shut in the city of Grenoble. The reason for their closure is a protest by a group of Muslim women who were told they could not wear burkinis (an amphibious version of a burka) at the swimming pool. This means that after they get called bank robbers and letterboxes by Boris Johnson, they can’t even cool off in the swimming pool, despite the greenhouse effects Islamic attire brings with it.

 

The protests are part of a long time grudge between France and Burkas (the non-amphibious sort of coverup). Three years ago, several seaside towns banned them altogether as they would be a threat to security. Sunbathing is a well-known pastime for terrorists, after all. What’s more, in Nice, French police asked a woman to undress as her attire did not respect “good morals and secularism”. Whereas asking someone to undress in public, has ‘good morals’ written all over it. The Prime Minister supported the ban and said the burkinis are not compatible with French values and are based on the enslavement of women. The protesters, on the other hand, say its discrimination and an affront to civil rights.

To be fair to the French, the swimming pool ban is not aimed explicitly at burkinis, but a combination of not being allowed to wear loose clothing for hygienic reasons and to prevent the public display of religion. Call it what you will, but really it’s a swimming pool dress code.

 

You see, the French much prefer you hoisting yourself into a speedo or an exotic thong than swimming in a wetsuit, even if Allah made you wear it. And, because priests, nuns and monks don’t tend to venture near public pools, the ban is said to be discriminatory toward Muslims specifically.

 

The protesters explained that Burkinis are a solution to a problem faced by Muslim women who want to obey the “strict laws of Islam and preserve their modesty” when swimming. Thus, allowing one to be a devout Muslim on land and in water.

 

As it turns out, Muslim women won’t be oppressed by just anyone, and they’ll choose Allah over Macron any day of the week. Perhaps their slogan could be ‘women should be allowed to not wear what they want!’. But, this is no joke to the protesters. They’ve compared their struggle to that of Rosa Parks, a.k.a. the mother of the African American civil rights movement, saying they’re being “deprived of [their] civil rights”.

 

While the comparison is a great way to get a column in The Guardian – comparing decade-long efforts of fighting the lynching of people based on the colour of their skin and the right to wear loose clothing in a public pool seems far fetched. It’s a bit like demanding free wifi at an airport somehow relates you to the ww2 resistance, or campaigning for the return of the McRib means you can call yourself Gandhi.

 

What’s more, the protesters have been throwing the word Islamofeminsm around, terms that go together about as well as climate change and Republicans. Everyone would agree that Muslim women have a lot to fight for in terms of securing equal rights, treatment and opportunities. Since protesting for feminism in the Islamic world could result in 148 lashes of the whip and a lengthy prison term, Grenoble’s public swimming pools are a great place to start.

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Desperados Anyone? 

By Spitsbergen
January 23, 2020
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Desperados Anyone?

The spreading of the Coronavirus in China has not only caused a surge in terrible jokes about the sub-standard beer -Corona- being the ultimate cause, but it’s also putting surrounding countries on edge. 

 

Currently, the Chinese government claims 17 people have died so far with a further 500 people infected.  Mind you, Chinese official figures are worth about as much as the Trump medical report that claims he is in “very good health” despite living on cheeseburgers and Hillary Clinton’s tears. 

 

In fact, British scientists even estimate the true number to be closer to 1700 infected thus far, with new cases popping up all around the world. 

 

What is not disputed is the cause of the illness. 

 

The Chinese Centre For disease prevention and control say the disease originated from a market in Wuhan that sells illegal wild animals for human consumption. Animals include foxes, crocodiles, bats, snakes and koalas (seems God really has it out for the koalas this year…). 

 

Even though the market is said to have been closed down now, some were still seen enjoying a delicious bowl of bat soup. Then again, imagine the consequences for Xi and the CCP if they started cracking down on bat soup… China would be a liberal democracy in no time. 

 

Despite this, and the bat soup, the government claims to have ‘absolute confidence’ that the virus is not a serious threat and that it can be contained. 

 

At the same time, they do concede knowing ‘very little’ about its composition or of its existence at all up until recently. To prove how harmless the virus is, the government has now shutdown Wuhan airport, as well as putting the cities of Huanggang, Ezhou, Chibi and Xiantao on lockdown – home to 21 million people in total. 

 

Realising that the Chinese government has more on its plate than banning bat soup (think running concentration camps and removing Winnie the Pooh posters), countries around the world have now taken measures against a possible outbreak.

 

Airports in South East Asia and the US are now screening for the virus and three people are being held in Scotland under the suspicion of being infected. 

 

Desperados anyone?

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Mossack Fonseca Duo Demands Justice

By Spitsbergen
October 17, 2019
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Mossack Fonseca Duo Demands Justice

Jurgen Mossack and Ramon Fonseca are suing Netflix over their new film named The Laundromat.

 

If those names sound familiar, they either remind you of that stressful time you had to burn fake passports and offshore-contracts a few years ago or more likely, when you read about the biggest tax scandal in recent history.

 

The Panamanian law firm, Mossack Fonseca, gained international attention thanks to the Panama Papers that exposed large scale tax avoidance. In 2015, Over 11.2 million documents were released, exposing fifteen world leaders, several criminals and the odd footballer.

 

The leak saw both Iceland and Pakistan’s prime minister resign, several protests unfold, and British PM David Cameron go on air to explain how paying tax is essential, without hiding a few quid is ok.

 

But, tax dollars and David Cameron’s credibility weren’t the only casualties of the affair.

 

Daphne Caruana Galizia, an investigative journalist known for looking into the Panama papers, was murdered by a car bomb soon after the leak. Her murder did lead to 3 arrests, but Galizia’s family argued the investigation was not fair as senior police and a government minister were the targets of her research.

 

If that sounds fishy, the two partners are still free, with enough time on their hands to inadvertently promote a Netflix film. Forget stabbing someone for a pair of AirPods, setting up an offshore law firm is far more lucrative.

 

But, despite the murdering and helping Lionel Messi to pay for his third yacht, the two former partners of Mossack Fonseca claim the Netflix series portrays them as “ruthless uncaring lawyers who are involved in money laundering, tax evasion and other criminal conduct”. Wonder where they got that idea.

 

The pair is also upset that the film did not ask for permission to use the firm’s logo on “pens, clocks, speakers, hats, notebooks…”

 

Presumably, because this could give the now-defunct firm that’s being investigated by the FBI, Interpol, Europol and just about every other ‘pol’ a bad name. Either that, or they feel it’s deeply unfair how some people try to make money without any regard for the hard-working tax-avoiding lawyer.

 

What’s most upsetting to the pair is, of course, Hollywood judging them based on their full-time job of hiding money instead of their true passion that is dressing up as Bond villains. There’s more to Jurgen and Ramon. It’s just not fair.

 

 

 

1 Comment
    Anonymous says: Reply
    July 9th 2019, 4:07 PM

    Rosa Parks wouldn’t be impressed

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Kim-Oh-Noby Spitsbergen / June 26, 2019
The Kid's Tableby Spitsbergen / July 1, 2019

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