Sex, Drugs and CGI


Sex, Drugs and CGI

What do sports, Hollywood and porn all have in common? (Besides the fact that Jackie Chan has excelled in all of them). According to a rep from the adult entertainment industry, they all put people at high risk for Coronavirus. 


At the moment, sports and porn are still struggling, but Hollywood seems to have a plan. When filming resumes on June 12, intimate moments including sex scenes, must be “either rewritten, abandoned, or [produced using] CGI.” 


Rewriting or abandoning just isn’t an option for some movies. For example, without the sex scenes Fifty Shades of Grey would’ve lasted exactly eight minutes. (Which is still longer than most men last). 


But it seems like CGI sex scenes are a great solution. It’s also great news for tons of unemployed people who might now be able to find work computer generating naked celebrities. 


Welcome to America, the land of dreams where anyone can get paid real money to computer animate Channing Tatum’s ass. 


Well maybe not anyone…the first person they’ll wanna hire will definitely be the guy that did the butthole edit of Cats.


In a way, computer generated sex scenes seem creepy and futuristic. But the truth is, they’re really old news. The Sims have been doing them since 2000. 


Still, Hollywood is seriously taking a brave and bold stance to help end Coronavirus. Their courageous decision to computer animate sex scenes will be lauded for generations to come. 


In addition, they’ve instituted a few smaller practices as well. For one, they’ll be giving all their actors hand washing lessons. Because if there’s one group of people that definitely need lessons on how to rub their hands with soap under a sink, it’s Hollywood actors.


They’ll also be conducting auditions from behind plexiglass. This is partially to protect those auditioning from Coronavirus and partially to protect them from a repeat of Harvey Weinstein. 


Hollywood has been roasted for taking CGI too far in the past (like when they decided to use it to resurrect James Dean so he could star in Finding Jack). However, they have every reason to believe this time will be different. 


People can’t really get behind CGI when it’s being used to resurrect dead people. People can get behind it when it’s used to create gratuitous images of Chris Hemsworth’s six pack. 

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