Rush-in to Space Warfare
Russia is working on a secret space weapon that allegedly may be able to shoot down satellites. Because they didn’t do enough damage to the Western world when they hacked Hillary Clinton’s emails in 2016 resulting in the problematic and talked-about presidential election that Lin Manuel Miranda hasn’t written a hit song about.
Apparently, Russia has tested a weapon system that can be hidden inside a large orbiting satellite and then emerge “to fire projectiles, lasers or microwave beams.” It’s not exactly clear why the Russians want to fire “microwave beams” around space, but presumably it’s because their astronauts are chilling up there with a lot of unopened bags of popcorn kernels.
In all seriousness, it really seems like Russia is preparing for all-out space warfare, or, as Hollywood likes to call it, “a surefire box office success where you can cut the sexual tension between Finn and Poe with a knife.”
The American military is referring to this satellite weapon as “nesting dolls” referring to the Russian dolls that fit inside each other. Strange choice of name, but at least now the world can rest easy knowing that Chuckie has finally been dethroned as the most violent and murderous doll of all time.
Douglas Barrie, aerospace expert at the International Institute for Strategic Studies in London said that the Russians were reviving many of their space warfare projects that they had abandoned in the 80s due to lack of funds. But it seems like space weapons, just like neon leggings and the hardwired belief that Emilio Estevez is attractive, really should’ve been things that were better left in the 80s.
The alleged weapon testing also comes at a moment when China, the UAE and the US are all sending spacecrafts to Mars. Honestly, between the space ship traffic jam and the threat of violence, space is starting to seem eerily similar to the Jackie Chan / Chris Tucker movie, Rush Hour.
Russia dismissed allegations that it had recently tested a space weapon, calling them “propaganda.” However, it’s unclear if Russia truly knows the meaning of that word. The Russian version of propaganda is putting out shirtless photos of Vladimir Putin fishing — and those convince anyone of anything except that the Venn diagram of sexy fishermen pinups and creepy old Russian presidents should never should be two completely separate circles.