Royally Hacked


Royally Hacked

Everyone dreams of meeting a charming Prince, texting with him over WhatsApp, and then agreeing to build a data center in his country. However, this dream only became reality for one man: Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos.


The relationship between Bezos and Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman was a bromance for the ages. They shared an intimate dinner in Los Angeles and exchanged phone numbers. Then they began texting over WhatsApp about their “Vision Partnership” (is that like a civil partnership?). 


Suddenly their relationship was moving faster than Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson’s. Bezos was planning to build an Amazon data center in Saudi Arabia (which is like the businessman equivalent of getting tattoos of each other’s faces). 


However, things fell through after the killing of a Washington Post journalist by Saudi agents. Now Bezos and his Prince are archenemies (much like Taylor Swift and Katy Perry…or Taylor Swift and Kanye West…or Taylor Swift and Kim Kardashian…).


Around the same time it all went sour, the National Enquirer exposed Jeff Bezos’ extramarital affair with Lauren Sanchez. Apparently he sent a bunch of nude selfies and sexts, including one saying “I love you, alive girl.” 


What is an “alive girl”? Did he put the comma in the wrong place and mean to say, “I love you alive, girl.” And if so, is he planning to murder her?


But apparently she didn’t “love him, alive boy” very much. She allegedly forwarded the texts to her brother who sold them to the National Enquirer. (Because when you’re involved in some saucy sexting, naturally the first thing you do is show your brother.)


Other people are also suspicious that a mistress would share her lover’s dick pics with her brother. So concerns have arisen that the National Enquirer expose was linked to the Crown Prince’s hacking of Jeff Bezos’ phone. 


It wouldn’t be the first time a foreign “prince” has hacked an American’s personal data. CNBC claims that “Nigerian prince scams” rake in over $700,000 a year. But it might be the first time the hacking was done by an actual prince rather than a middle aged dude at an internet cafe. 


Bezos should’ve learned a thing or two from Meghan Markle — when you cozy up to a foreign prince, the tabloids will ruin you. At least Meghan only ended up in Canada while Bezos ended facing global humiliation and ridicule. (Although who can say which is really worse). 

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