Oh Deer


Oh Deer

All eyes are on financier Ben Goldsmith after he perpetrated an unspeakable crime. Although weirdly, Goldsmith’s crime isn’t of the white collar / insider trading variety, like most other financiers turned criminals who end up in country club-style prisons and then get Leonardo DiCaprio to portray them in the three hour long movie versions of their life.


No, Goldsmith’s crime is releasing a bunch of red deer into the wild after he failed to build high enough fences at his estate in Somerset. Obviously it’s a super common and relatable problem, so it’s likely he’ll get some sympathy from the public. After all, everyone knows what it’s like to adopt a ton of woodland animals in an attempt to make your backyard look like the opening scene from Disney’s Brother Bear, and then get screwed over because apparently red deer can jump over fences. 


Goldsmith is facing potential charges for the breach of the Wildlife and Countryside Act after he lied to his neighbors about having rounded up all the deer. The big question here is why did he have to lie? What else was he doing in lockdown that was more important than recapturing his herd of red deer that were running around probably giving tuberculosis to all the neighborhood farm animals? Seriously, was he just sitting at home watching The Kissing Booth 2? 


Goldsmith’s neighbors are very salty about the situation. It made them even angrier when Goldsmith tweeted about a book called “Rewilding: the Radical New Science of Ecological Recovery” over the weekend. The title low key implied that the great deer escape was some major scientific ecological experiment and not the result of a guy cheaping out on 6 ft tall fencing. 


Goldsmith is also denying a far more serious allegation that he released a boar. It’s not clear why releasing a herd of tuberculosis infested red deer is so much less serious than releasing a boar. It’s also not clear why the police seem to have such a detailed hierarchy for punishing the release of various wild animals.


Neighbors have also complained that they have seen beavers in the area of Goldsmith’s estate. The police are currently investigating where the beavers came from. Which is surely exactly what those guys imagined when they became police officers — that they’d be wandering through some rich guy’s woods looking for beaver droppings. 

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