(Lock) Down and Dirty


(Lock) Down and Dirty

Neil Ferguson is known as “the man who put Britain into lockdown.” His genius scientific modeling was able to predict a nasty death toll from the Coronavirus. Alas, his genius scientific modeling was not able to predict what would happen when he broke his own lockdown to have sex with a married woman.


(National embarrassment, job resignation, and a photo that makes him look like a grown up version of Michael Cera plastered all over the papers).


For a guy who makes a career out of predicting worst case scenarios, it’s weird he didn’t see this one coming. Why did he do it? Did he assume there was more leeway for sex scandals under Boris “BJ” Johnson’s leadership? Was he just really horny after binge watching BBC’s Normal People? 


It’s hard to say. What we do know is that while everyone else was shaving their heads and baking banana bread, Neil Ferguson was sending tacky “U up…lol” texts to his married girlfriend, Antonia Staats, at 2am. 


Lockdown has been an unprecedented time of closures. Starbucks is not open. The gym is not open. The cinema is not open. The only thing that’s stayed open, apparently, is Antonia Staat’s marriage.


Professor Ferguson met up with Staats twice. The second time was after he had been diagnosed with Coronavirus. Pretty sure that when you get Coronavirus, you’re supposed to get in bed, watch Netflix, and just chill. You’re not supposed to umm…well, “Netflix and chill.”


After his resignation, Professor Ferguson’s colleagues spoke highly of his expertise and dedication. He was certainly a dedicated individual. (No, he wasn’t really dedicated to the government lockdown that he helped institute….but he was dedicated to pursuing an exciting sex life). 


So he’s the man who put Britain in lockdown, but he’s also a man with his priorities in order. Yes, it’s important to institute a national lockdown. Yes, it’s important to help save lives. Yes, it’s important to make old people stand 2 meters apart while queuing on the streets for toilet paper Les Miserables style. But the most important thing is to make sure that Neil Ferguson is having sex. 


Imperial College London, where Ferguson was a professor, issued a statement saying he would continue to “focus on his important research.” They didn’t clarify what that research was related to Coronavirus or whether it involved sneaking his lover across London, this time without the police noticing. 


At the end of the day, there’s one piece of bitter irony: the man who was able to keep the entirety of Britain inside their houses was not able to keep one thing inside his pants. 

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