License Hate


License Hate

“Morons,” “Paedos,” and “Hookers” are among those targeted by the government’s new vanity license plate restrictions. That’s right, the DVLA just released the list of banned vanity license plate numbers, and “M20 RON,” “PE20 ADO,” “HO20 KER” topped the list. 


This is good to know just in case you wanted a little plaque on the front of your car advertising the fact that you were a paedophile or prostitute. 


Just to clarify, the government isn’t cracking down on actual paedophiles — just those who want to advertise it on their cars.


They’ve also blocked any combination of ass, asshole, arse and ass-boy. (What is an ass boy?)


Officials at the Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency (DVLA) hold meetings twice a year to decide on the list of banned plates. Or at least that’s what they say. The truth is that they hold meetings twice a year to brainstorm every possible suffix for the word “ass.” 


Seriously, government employees haven’t spent so much time debating the viability of an “ass” since they elected Boris Johnson to the Prime Ministership.  


The DVLA says that even in spite of the restrictions, “there are over 50 million registrations available on our website with almost endless possibilities of combinations to suit a person’s taste, interests and budget.” Unfortunately, this is not the case if your taste and interests involve FA20 NNYs or BL20 JOBs. 


In addition to sexual delinquents, they’re also targeting politically-minded engaged citizens. They’ve blocked a range of Brexit and EU related plates including,“EU20 SHT,” “EU20 BAD,” and “EU20 NO*.”


Devastating news for fervent Brexiteers who will now have to limit themselves to xenophobic bumper stickers, mugs and Facebook profile frames. 


Still, the DVLA is a little behind the times. Why didn’t they think to block any Corona-related vanity plates? This failure was the biggest DVLA screw up since 2017 when they forgot to block “CO17US,” (which was, admittedly, more sophisticated verbiage than “ass boy”). 


FC02ONA” is currently being sold on eBay for £895. The item description reads, “#fuckcoronavirus #fuckyoucorona #staypositive #nevergiveup.” Everyone’s finances are hurting a bit right now, but honestly this seems like a really good use of money. So that three weeks from now when you’re substituting coffee filters for toilet paper and sweatpants are the only clothes that fit you, you can still sit in your car and not drive anywhere except Tesco express once a week, confident in the knowledge that your license plate is helping fuck over the coronavirus (somehow). 


Seriously though it’s hard to imagine who would buy this. But whoever it is, that’s who the DVLA must’ve been thinking of when they invented the term “ass boy.” 

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