ISIS: Where are They Now?


ISIS: Where Are They Now?

Netflix and Kill

Following the international coalition’s final onslaught against ISIS fighters in the Syrian town of Baghouz, Syrian Democratic Forces spokesman (-person, sorry) Mustafa Bali is reporting that hundreds of remaining fanatics are holed up in a cave overlooking their former haven.


Aside from this obviously being a very large cave, it’s clear that following their defeat to supposed Western crusaders, ISIS have taken it upon themselves in their last stand to get to grips with Plato’s famous allegory. When these former fighters are found, shall we expect them to be cross-legged on the floor staring at their own shadows waiting for truth to appear as the ‘true form’ behind them? Of course not, the labour party are keeping that for themselves as they struggle to determine whether they are Eurosceptic Remainers, or Europhilic Brexiteers.


In other ISIS-related news, an Aussie Accountancy student-turned-jihadi, Mahir Absar Alam (26) is pleading with Australian authorities to be allowed back into the country. Yet another case of “I voted leave but am sick of the process and now want to remain”, the Brexit links are astounding. Alam, who is currently being held by Kurdish-led forces outside of Baghouz (and no doubt within view of his former pals up in their cave), has insisted that he didn’t take part in any raping, killing, and that he certainly “didn’t set anyone on fire”, which is a strange thing to assert if innocent.


Alam does, however, claim to have been previously imprisoned for watching Game of Thrones, which only seems likely if he then went on and spoiled the Red Wedding. But no, it turns out that Alam fell foul of ISIS’s morality police for downloading the show. He claims that “on a Friday, I’d go watch a move with my wife at home… I used to watch Game of Thrones back in Raqqa [but] I did get in trouble, I got in big trouble.”


Netflix and kill, anyone?

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