Help: My Phone Turned Me Gay
A Russian man is suing Apple for over $15,000 after he says an iPhone turned him gay. The man, D. Razumilov, said he got 69 free GayCoins through a cryptocurrency app he downloaded onto his iPhone several years ago. In case you’re not into coins, GayCoins are a little-used cryptocurrency worth around two cents apiece.
An anonymous sender on the GayCoin app reportedly wrote him a message in English: “don’t judge without trying.”
Razumilov said he thought about it and agreed that it made perfect sense, so he decided to try same-sex relationships. He ended up liking it too, apparently.
“After the passage of two months I’m mired in intimacy with a member of my own sex and can’t get out,” Razumilov’s lawsuit reads, adding that “I have a steady boyfriend and I don’t know how to explain it to my parents. After receiving the aforementioned message, my life has changed for the worse and will never be normal again.”
Wait, isn’t Apple’s slogan ‘think different’?
While one can sympathise with Razumilov’s situation in a country that’s not exactly known for loving gay people, he could have more substantial issues if an iPhone and a few GayCoins change his sexual orientation. Issues that $15k might not solve.
It seems more likely that poor Razumilov was caught red-handed, and some quick thinking led him to pin the crime on his iPhone.
Given that an actual lawsuit will be taking place tells you three things a) Well done Razumilov b) The same people who feel homosexuality is a crime, think a phone can cause it c) In Russia you’ll get a fairer trial if you claim your phone made you gay, than you would protesting or being a political opponent to the President.
But, Razumilov maintains Apple manipulated him into a homosexual lifestyle by allowing the app on his phone and made him have “moral suffering and harm to mental health.” No word on how his boyfriend feels about all the moral suffering that his relationship is causing to his … boyfriend.
His lawsuit comes up in Moscow court Oct. 17.
Razumilov’s chances of winning are probably about as good as the law of gravity being reversed, but good luck to him coming to terms with his i-Dentity.