Give me your ugly, your toothless, your hairy masses

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Give me your ugly, your toothless, your hairy masses

Casting agencies in New Zealand are “desperately seeking” hairy, wrinkly and really short people. Apparently, it hasn’t occurred to them to look on the over 50s section of Tinder (or to contact Danny DeVito’s extended family). 

 

Amazon is producing a new Lord of the Rings series. Why? Because Hollywood can’t leave well enough alone. Also because money. In the spirit of that second reason, they’re looking to cut costs on things like makeup and face prosthetics. Too bad Cats (whose budget was $90 million) didn’t get that memo. Note: what percentage of the $90 million was spent editing out Jason Derulo’s genitals?

 

To avoid paying for fake beards and stuff, Amazon is looking for people that basically already look like trolls / orcs / giants. Pretty sure all those people gave up on their dreams of making it in front of the camera, but oh well. 

 

In the spirit of desperation they’re open to pretty much anyone weird-looking: men, women, any ethnicity, all shapes and sizes. It’s like the list of people Miley Cyrus is willing to have sex with. 

 

There are also some more specific call outs. They’re seeking “stocky mean-looking bikers.” Are any stocky mean-looking bikers self-aware enough to know that they’re stocky and mean-looking? Also, since when were bikers key characters in the Lord of the Rings Universe? Did Frodo and Samwise pass a motorcycle gang on their journey to Mordor that we all missed? 

 

But above all they’re looking for people who are hairy, or “HAIRY, HAIRY, HAIRY,” as they put it. The advert (which was posted in the form of a Facebook status) was super professional. 

 

Basically, it’s been a great year for guys who can grow facial hair. Movember raised awareness for prostate cancer (and even more awareness for weirdass novelty mustache ornaments). And the International Brotherhood of Real Bearded Santas (IBRBS) voted down a bill that would admit Santas with fake beards. 

 

Once again the clean-shaven pre-pubescent dudes lose out. They can’t join the Brotherhood of Santas and they can’t play trolls in New Zealand (which is obviously every man’s dream). 

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