From Jesus, With Love
I’ve been quiet for a long time now, but I gotta say, I’m really bummed about what’s been going on in my name. I don’t know why that Darth Sidious-looking dude is ragging on the hippies. I liked those guys, man. They were cool, I dug their style. Great taste in hair, too. I just wanna go on record saying, I never told those squares they can’t have sex. Sex is awesome! It’s the best thing my dad ever invented. He even told us to do it all the time. Be fruitful and multiply! How does that turn into celibacy until your balls turn blue and you make moves on the kiddies?
Sometimes I just feel like I can’t catch a break, you know? I stage a little protest against the commercialization of the temple and the Jews get all down on me. I talk to some dudes on a hill, tell ‘em it would be real groovy if we were all nice to each other and all and, before I know it, the Romans up and nail me to a cross. And now these creeps with their no sex crap. I married a hooker, man! She knew stuff. She was a hip, hip woman, man. For dad’s sake!
Would everyone please just stop misquoting me or dwelling on slight differences in interpretation or who was the messiah for whom and just take in the message, man! It’s love. It’s all about love, man. Not with kids, though! I told dad, you know? I told him that Ratzinger guy, he gives me majorly bad vibes, man. I definitely wouldn’t feed that guy after midnight, is all I’m saying. And who knew you could retire from being a pope? Even dad had to look that one up. And I told my dad, that stuff he said about gay people, it’s not cool, man!
He’s kinda old fashioned, my dad. But that’s no excuse to be such a drag. Three of the apostles swung that way. Why do you think the last supper was such a blast? Those dudes know how to throw a party, man! Shame I had to split. Had an early crucifixion the next day. I asked the Romans if I could get an afternoon one, but they were such straights about it. Once it’s in the schedule, that’s it. Anyway, if this stuff doesn’t stop, man, I’m gonna have to get my dad to send down a plague, or something, ‘cause this just isn’t cool. I mean, he’s already doing that whole global warming thing, but you dodos don’t seem to be getting the message.
Love and peace my brothers and sisters. Stay gentle and stay away from kids! That I even have to say that…
Oh, and also, dad asked me to tell you to stop praying for sports teams. He’s got a lot on his plate and they’re doing it on the other team, too, so there’s really no point.