Find my drunkard


Find my drunkard

The UK is set to put in place a system similar to Apple’s ‘find my iPhone’ only with drunk people. Offenders who commit ‘alcohol fuelled offences’ could be made to wear ‘sobriety tags’ that check to see whether they have any alcohol in their sweat. 


Thankfully, this a topic the current government is qualified to decide on. After all, who knows more about alcohol-fuelled offences than former Bullingdon club member and father of 7-9 children, Boris Johnson. 


The tags work the same as ordinary parole tracking systems and are fitted to the ankle to analyse body-alcohol content through perspiration every half an hour (but who even sweats from their ankles?)


The system will also alert the police whenever the tag goes within a hundred yards of a Wetherspoons, a move which will undoubtedly anger the chain’s owner Tim Martin whose customer base is made up almost exclusively of binge drinkers. Still, interesting how even the government now recognises that too. 


The track-a-drunk system will be in place later this year with some 2,300 offenders likely to be tagged. Those who are found to breach their alcohol abstinence orders will be brought back before court and could face a prison sentence (thanks to the widely available prison wine, that should be just like a Wetherspoons). 


So far, there have been successful trials in parts of the country with one former tagee claiming ‘I no longer need a drink to manage my emotions – which is down to the tag and my probation officer… I’m happier with my life now.’


If there ever was a statement made under duress…


‘Alcohol fuelled crime blights communities and puts an unnecessary strain on our front-line services’ said Kit Malthouse, crime policing and justice minister. Equally, the obesity epidemic puts pressure on the health service, so a similar tagging system but for McDonald’s, Greggs, and KFC could also be considered. 

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