With the arrival of the corona-plague, the world’s conspiracy theorists have appropriately returned to 15th century flat-earth/burn the witches levels of smart. After carefully considering anything that’s new or foreign and likely suspects such as the EU, gays and Barack Obama, conspiracy theorists settled on the rollout of 5G being the ultimate cause of the pandemic. 


The theory goes that governments that are rolling out 5G have started to realise this is killing people by the thousands. To prevent protests, ‘the government’ invented coronavirus to mask the masterplan and kill the population via radiation sickness. Another theory suggests that 5G has activated the coronavirus that exists in everyone’s blood, but that just sounds ridiculous.


What remains unanswered is why countries without 5G are also affected by the pandemic. Although one explanation could be that 5G has absolutely-shit-all to do with the epidemic – keep a lookout for suggestions that the Bilderberg conference and their supreme leader Hillary Clinton mobilised locusts to spread the radiation sickness.  


Thus far, the Brits are most hands-on, going to great lengths to stop the government’s plot. This is in part thanks to ‘having enough of experts’ and Amanda Holden (a Britain’s Got Talent judge) sharing misinformation on the correlation between COVID symptoms and 5G antennas. Goes to show how broad the show’s definition of talent really is. 


As a result, 5G masts are now being set alight all over the country – thereby shutting down essential communication for the NHS and putting a strain on the fire brigade. Telecom engineers, too, are being physically assaulted when trying to work on the antennas. This is especially sad because either a) all they do is make sure your HD cat videos now send in a matter of seconds, or b) they’re manipulated by the government and risking their own lives working on the deadly antennas. 


It remains a mystery how people who think a 5G antenna that hasn’t been rolled out causes a mass pandemic – have the ability to a) put on their own shoes b) find a 5G antenna. c) use a ladder.

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