Coming Full Circle


Coming Full Circle

There are few things in America scarier than Mike Pence’s toupee. They include dirty subway benches, socialism, the Shrek is love video on youtube, and, the Americans’ most dreaded fear: roundabouts. 


The roundabout, also called “traffic circle,” is known in Europe as a way to avoid ever making a right hand turn. It’s known in America as a confusing spiral death trap that gives you more anxiety than watching the Bachelor finale. 


When roundabouts were first installed in Arizona, minor traffic accidents in the area increased by 62 percent. (Which is about the same amount that minor traffic accidents increase when Zac Efron goes on Instagram live). 


The US Department of Transport has conducted various studies to determine why roundabouts seem to be causing so many accidents. And they can’t seem to figure out a reason. Such a mystery.


Maybe it’s because roundabouts are kind of like an awkward blind date. No one knows what to do when you come in, how fast to go, when to move, and what do you when you leave.


Authors have also compared traffic circles to broccoli because “the science said they were good for you but no one particularly wanted to touch them.” Also because it’s really hard to come up with an original metaphor and maybe this guy thought he could corner the vegetable — roadside lexicon simile space. 


But at least you don’t take your life in your hands every time you merge onto a piece of broccoli. (Unless you have Salicylate sensitivity, in which case, you do). 


One town in Ohio was determined to make a name for itself by installing a ton of roundabouts. Maybe they were trying to go for that European-chic-in-rural-Ohio vibe that’s so in right now. 


After they had to use the jaws of life to pry a motorist from a fiery wreck, the town of Hilliard released a statement saying: “We understand that multi-lane roundabouts may be confusing.”


No, taxes are confusing. Texts from your ex are confusing. Miley Cyrus’ new haircut is confusing. Roundabouts are just deadly. 


They could’ve protected people by removing the roundabouts. Instead, Letty Schamp, Hilliard’s deputy city engineer, decided to protect people by becoming a superhero named Professor Roundabout. 


In a series of instructional videos, she puts on a cape and does battle with a careless driver named Major Chaos. Her catchphrase is “You must resist the urge to merge.” And you must resist the urge to compare her to Steve Carrell in Get Smart. 


Will Professor Roundabout defeat Major Chaos, finally bringing peace to the innocent residents of Hilliard, Ohio? Or is a cheesy cape no excuse for a genuinely dangerous traffic system that no one asked for? Tune in next week to find out. 

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