Bern-ing Bridges


Bern-ing Bridges

Political divisions in the US have now descended into the world of art and music as the popular hip-hop group, Public Enemy, has broken up. Fans of hip hop haven’t been this upset and disturbed since two days ago when they were forced to watch Tom Steyer “back that azz up” to a performance by Juvenile. 


The cause of the breakup? The Yoko Ono in this case wasn’t an attractive girlfriend, but someone equally sexy and alluring: presidential candidate Bernie Sanders. The two founding members of the group, Chuck D. and Flavor Flav fundamentally disagreed over whether to perform at a Sanders rally. 


Chuck D. is a Bernie fan and wanted to go for it. Flavor Flav likely saw what happened to Juvenile after he encouraged Tom Steyer’s azz backing up, and wanted to sit this now out. 


Ultimately Chuck D. kicked Flavor Flav out of the band in the most heartbreaking celebrity breakup since Miley and Liam (the second time). 


Flavor Flav’s particular flavor that day was salty. He said that Bernie was trying to use his band for an endorsement that he didn’t approve. In fact, Mr. Flav’s lawyer sent the Sanders campaign a statement, ending with: “Bernie, his name is Flavor Flav and he does NOT approve your message!” Wicked burn. (Or “bern” in this case.)


But apparently Chuck D. did approve the message. He said “I dig aspects of Bern. Hate the party Bulsht.” This message is confusing and makes little to no sense (although it’s still more compelling than the platforms of most of the current candidates). Apparently, the fact that someone was “digging aspects of him” was enough for Bernie in this case, and he still decided to have Chuck D. perform.


The rally also included appearances from celebrities like Dick van Dyke. When Van Dyke finally came out, the crowd got excited and started chanting “We love Dick.”


At a rally where a 94 year old actor was endorsing a 78 year old candidate and the crowd was chanting “Dick” (in the old-timey nickname sense of the word rather than the current penis sense), it’s clear why Sanders needed some young blood. 


As for Chuck D. And Flavor Flav, Chuck referred to his bandmate as a car that he will “park in the driveway, take off the plates,” and “wait to reRegister it when it’s running right.” Chuck is a talented wordsmith who really followed through with that metaphor. But can someone check on Flavor Flav to make sure he’s not tied up in the back of Chuck’s trunk somewhere? 

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