All Dolled Up


All Dolled Up

Germans have a huge problem right now. Yeah, they’re having a hard time trying to get rid of the Coronavirus, but they’re having an even harder time trying to get rid of their sex dolls. 


Sex dolls showing up on the scrapheap are continually being mistaken for dead bodies. So maybe the scariest news to come out of this week wasn’t that the US President wants you to inject yourself with Lysol — it’s the fact that apparently some men can’t tell the difference between a sex doll and an actual human woman. 


Police have pulled sex dolls out of boxes, out of rolled up carpets, and out of the river Elbe, believing that they were dead humans. As the police approached each scene, they thought they were about to investigate murderers. Instead they were about to investigate men who buy sex dolls and then roll them into carpets or toss them into rivers when they’re done. (It’s hard to say which is more psychologically problematic). 


However, while murderers end up in prison, the sex doll disposers are facing an even more difficult fate: a conversation with the police who fished their sex doll out of a river and are now returning it. That’s right, after serious rescue efforts, the police have returned each sex doll to its…umm, partner? (owner? master?) 


In Germany, it’s almost impossible to get rid of a sex doll. But it’s completely impossible to get rid of the shame you feel when the police turn up on your doorstep holding a naked silicone doll that you’ve done the dirty with. 


The police have now wasted so many resources rescuing sex dolls that they’ve instituted strict fines regarding sex doll waste management. As with any trash, the most eco-friendly option would be to recycle or repurpose it. One man suggested repurposing the sex dolls as scarecrows in the garden. Perhaps Martha Stewart will pop up with an innovative new way to work the sex doll into your home decor. 


Or, if you’re worried a naked latex woman might clash with your home color scheme, you can always rent one at the local brothel (for the very reasonable price of €80 an hour). There are several brothels in Germany specifically designed for renting sex dolls. 


It’s always worth weighing up your options before making the decision to rent or buy. This applies to cars, apartments and sex dolls. If you buy an apartment and regret it, you might be stuck in debt paying off a huge mortgage. If you buy a sex doll and regret it, you might find yourself stuffing it inside a box at dawn and sending it into the river Elbe. 

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