A Lick and a Prayer

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A Lick and a Prayer

Licking ice cream is now a crime. (Which is fine cause cups > cones anyway). D’Adrien L’Quinn will spend d’thirty days in l’jail. His offense? Licking a container of Blue Bell ice cream and then sticking it back in the Walmart freezer. 

 

He was trying to make a viral video and get famous on the internet. Btw, what happened to just making a good old fashioned sex tape? Now you have to pull at these weird creative stunts just for a little viral attention. Eating tide pods? Inhaling a condom up your nose? Drenching yourself in flammable liquids?

 

Still, at least those guys actually showed a little determination and commitment. The Blue Bell ice cream challenge isn’t eating something toxic that will potentially kill you. It’s just eating ice cream. In a grocery store.

 

The local district attorney, Bob Wortham, wasn’t very impressed either. He noted that Mr. L’Quinn didn’t even come up with the idea to for the challenge himself, saying “He is just a copycat.” (Which is the sickest burn ever delivered by someone named Bob). 

 

But Bob wanted to crack down on the scourge of ice-cream licking criminals in Texas…so he prosecuted Mr. L’Quinn.

 

L’Quinn plead guilty to “criminal mischief” (which sounds like something they’d prosecute you for in Harry Potter). 

 

Meanwhile, Blue Bell Creamery had already seen the viral video. They were pretty grossed out, which is fair. So they spent $1,565 replacing all the ice cream in that display. (Sidenote: how bougie is this brand “Blue Bell” that one display case of their ice cream is worth $1500?)

 

Also it’s not like their stuff was in Whole Foods. It was in Walmart. Not saying they should’ve expected someone to be opening their tubs and licking them…Just saying, it’s Walmart, and they shouldn’t have been surprised. 

 

It was bad news for Mr. L’Quinn because he now has to pay back that $1500 to Blue Bell. He also has to pay a fine of $1000. Then, after his 30 days in jail, he’ll have 180 days of probation and 100 hours of community service. 

 

The courts let OJ off scot free for murder, but it’s a good thing they’re finally locking up all those dangerous ice cream lickers. 

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