Where’s Beto Yang?


Where's Beto Yang?

Let’s face it, the highlight of Beto O’Rourke’s presidential campaign was when he played air drums to “Baba O’Reilly” by The Who in his car. It’s all been downhill from there. As for Andrew Yang, the highlight of his campaign was chatting with Joe Rogan.


Nonetheless, you have to give both credit for launching their completely meaningless campaign built on image (Beto) and an overriding obsession with automation (Yang) into getting enough donors and support to qualify for July’s debates.


Unfortunately the moderators saw it differently, giving both very little speaking time at the recent second Democratic debate in Detroit.


Rumor has it that Beto’s photo was actually listed on a milk carton missing person ad halfway through the debate, while Yang was sighted talking telepathically to an advanced AI cloud system from behind his podium in a high-level trance.


The two nights of Democratic debates had four main speakers: night one was dominated by Elizabeth Warren at over 18 minutes and Bernie Sanders at over 17, while Marianne Williamson and John Hickenlooper got just over eight; for night two Joe Biden got over 21 minutes and Kamala Harris got over 17 (presumably to pretend she’s not a cop). Yang and Bill de Blasio both got around 9 minutes. Beto got around 10 minutes on night one, but he was just invisible.


When Beto was finally called on at the second debate he looked like a kid at show-and-tell who someone asked to see their macaroni painting. Then again that’s how Beto always looks. Doing his best to channel someone who plays president on TV, Beto spoke about how “this moment will define us forever” and “American will be redeemed” from a “lawless president.” Beto promised “world-class healthcare” and went after Governor Steve Bullock (nobody knows who he is or if he actually exists). Beto also said it’s possible to beat Trump in Texas, because pie in the sky is delicious.


Yang, for his part, said people should be paid to stay out of jail and said it’s too late to fight climate change and we should run for higher ground. He also rolled out his canned line about “the opposite of Donald Trump is an Asian man who likes math.”


Yang said Trump is president because people are scared of machines, while the Terminator soundtrack began playing somewhere in the background. “If you go to a factory here in Michigan you will not find wall-to-wall immigrants, you will find wall-to-wall robots and machines,” Yang warned the crowd. No other candidate raised the issue of sneaky immigrant machines who may be top-secret spies from Russia.


All in all they were quite the non-debates for Beto, Yang and other rumored individuals who may or may not exist such as Bullock. Next time Beto is advised to break out an acoustic guitar and sing in Spanish, while Yang might do well to speak through a Stephen-Hawking-style AI voicebox and channel the intelligence of Google’s DeepMind system.

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