UK Leaves the EU (For Real This Time)


UK Leaves the EU (For Real This Time)

The 31st of January came and went as the UK has left the European Union and Brexit finally means Brexit. Still, the coronavirus coincidentally arrived in the UK the same week, so if only Brexit had happened a tad sooner it could have been stopped at the border.


In the days leading up to the exit, members of the EU parliament gathered to give a somewhat confused rendition of ‘Auld Land Syne’. Nigel Farage and Brexit Party MEPs waved Union Jacks in their leader’s final speech… before being instructed ‘take them with you’ as they left the chamber.


Like in all romances gone bad, both sides have deleted all reminders of each other as the removal of British flag and EU flags from official buildings followed promptly. That said, delicacies that have been exchanged over the years (like self-deprecating humour and fine Bordeaux wines) are likely to remain painful.


Big Ben was unable to attend the celebrations in Parliament Square as crowds gathered to hear an audio recording of its famous bongs. Luckily, no impersonator was needed for Nigel Farage and crowds were treated to a thumping speech from the real tweed-clad thing.


Britain and the EU now enter a transition period which is set to end in December of this year, so the Pound Sterling has not yet taken any cliff-edge dives. But when it does be sure to join Farage by shorting it to make a bit of money.


Meanwhile, the British government is turning its attention toward trade. Speaking today, foreign secretary Dominic Raab stated that the UK would ‘not be aligning with EU rules’. In other words, Brits will have to accustom themselves to the tangy taste of chlorine-washed chicken.


Elsewhere in the country, residents of Winchester Tower in Norfolk have reported ‘Happy Brexit Day’ posters advising them to speak English and ‘evolve or leave’ to the police. The culprit clearly has too much time on their hands and probably still communicates via fax.


The question of Scotland’s place in the Union is becoming increasingly uncertain, with Donald Tusk stating that the EU would be enthusiastic if the country applied to rejoin… Nicola Sturgeon is likely punching the air furiously again.


For the time being, Britain has opened a new chapter in its history and HBO’s ‘Brexit’ has finally aired its final episode.

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