Theresa’s Swan Song


Theresa’s Swan Song

Today marks Theresa May’s last day as the leader of the Conservative party. She’s still Prime Minister, but in the same way a baby sitter is in charge when the parents have come home. Theresa wasn’t PM for very long, but the press and fellow politicians have used every second to throw all insults under the sun at her. She’s been called nebulous, a liar, unable to engage in basic human interactions, and the worst Prime Minister of all time. Even when she tried to escape the office, praise was nowhere to be found. Thoughtful parting words from Nicola Sturgeon include: “Theresa May must be the only leader in living memory who has tried to fall on her own sword and managed to miss”. So, she wasn’t liked as a PM and scolded as she tried to leave, while David Cameron writes his memoirs in Panama. 


But, before the sword finally puts her out of her misery, May is making the most of her last weeks as Prime Minister. Like a teenager finishing homework 5 minutes before handing it in, she woke up to try and salvage something you might call a legacy. 


According to Downing Street sources, May wants to make weekly announcements on issues such as mental health, parental leave and the tech sector. She also wants to overhaul the education system, by including a ‘per pupil settlement’ for English schools. If all that isn’t enough, Theresa will also legally commit to making the UK climate neutral by 2050. Sounds like quite a legacy, but  for the Hammond in the room. 


The UK’s Chancellor, Phillip Hammond, has threatened to intervene in the ambitious plans as they cut too much into his precious “no-deal war chest”. He said, “The total cost of transitioning to a zero carbon economy is likely to be in excess of a trillion pounds” and any climate provisions would need a get out clause. Just to make sure the UK doesn’t need to spend its remaining pounds when the rest of the world decides to let the planet turn into a desert. If you’re going to die, you might as well die rich. With regard to May’s school funding, he thinks 6bn is far too much to spend on education. Naturally, as it would considerably shrink his voter base.


In the meantime, Nigel turned up at Downing Street with a letter asking to join the Brexit negotiating table. He is demanding a role in negotiations that aren’t taking place and shouldn’t be happening if he really wants a WTO Brexit. Forget education and climate, why not hire and fire Farage?


If all else fails, we can remember her for her amazing shoes, letting Grenfell Tower burn for 3 days and being the first person to hold The Donald’s hand. If it wasn’t for all this Brexit stuff, Theresa might have been good to have around…Bring on the next human sacrifice to implement the will of the people. 

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