The Room Where Shit Happened
John Bolton’s back with a vengeance. He’s spent the past year drinking spiced mocha lattes from his four poster bed while the Real Housewives of Atlanta plays in the background and he angrily types his tell-all book with just his index fingers. (Probably).
What’s inside the infamous burn book? Is the world about to learn that Mike Pence a grotsky little byotch? That Jared Kushner too gay to function? That Donald Trump a fugly slut?
It comes out on Tuesday but Bolton is already taking a dramatic victory lap around the broadcast news channels. He’s become an incredibly important figure in Washington DC because he’s done two things that no one has accomplished for years. 1. He’s united republicans and democrats (mostly because they both hate him). And 2. He’s had a successful career without shaving his pornstache.
Bolton called his book, “The Room Where it Happened.” He was probably hoping people would confuse it for a book about Hamilton and then actually want to read it. All it really accomplished was a huge spike in Youtube views of the song from the musical.
At least Bolton knows that as a respected government official who’s made important contributions to American diplomacy, he will always come second to Lin-Manuel Miranda.
Trump’s administration recently took Bolton to court to try and stop the book’s publication. Trump lost, so naturally he later announced on Twitter that he had a “BIG COURT WIN.” He went on to say that obviously the judge couldn’t have stopped the book’s publication. If it were that obvious, it’s unclear why he went to court in the first place.
Trump also threatened to drop a bomb on Bolton. Honestly that seems like a big to-do. If he really wants to kill the old man, he can just keep loosening Coronavirus restrictions.
Bolton responded by comparing his book, a petty takedown of the guy who fired him, to the groundbreaking once-in-a-generation scandal when the Washington Post published the Pentagon Papers.
John Bolton’s flair for the dramatic can only be matched by that of another famous Bolton. Troy Bolton. And it’s easy to imagine him running, skipping and jumping his way across the Mar-a-Lago golf course while belting out one of the most iconic dance numbers in Disney Channel history.
“Is this book explosive?” A reporter might ask him. He’ll pop the collar on his navy blue polo, spin around and say, “Bet on It.”