See You Next Tuesday

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See You Next Tuesday

Following on from Super Tuesday (March 3rd), the next important Tuesday is the actual presidential election (November 3rd). A lot of candidates were hoping they’d see you on that next Tuesday. And a lot of those candidates’ dreams were dashed this week. 

 

After March 3rd, it’s clear that neither Steyer nor Buttigieg nor Klobuchar nor Bloomberg nor Warren will be seeing you next Tuesday. For some of these guys (looking at you Steyer), this was pretty obvious ages ago…but they took their sweet time dropping out. It’s actually mind-baffling why Steyer stayed in the race so long. Was he hoping to win people over by being the most mediocre white billionaire ever? Or was he hoping that red plaid tie would do it? 

 

Either way, Tom Steyer backed that azz up last weekend all the way out of the race. Then, unfortunately, Mayor Pete (who unilaterally affirms the platitude that all the good ones are either taken or gay), dropped out too, followed by Amy Klobuchar. 

 

Then Super Tuesday happened and from the ashes of these failed candidates, a new democratic superhero was born: Super-Joe.

 

Super Joes-Day earned Biden wins in ten states. Sanders only won three. He’ll probably also win California as well, but they’re not technically done counting. Why? Because they’re California, not New Hampshire, and they have better things to do than count. (You know, like sitting around debating the cinematic merit of the Avengers franchise.)

 

Elizabeth Warren was technically still in the race. (Although, was she?) She came in third in her own state. Which is marginally less embarrassing than when Justin Bieber pretended to pee his pants (but definitely more embarrassing than when Fergie actually peed her pants). By the end of the day, Warren’s chances at being president were drenched in piss. 

 

So were Bloomberg’s. Like Warren, he didn’t win a single state. Although he did achieve one spectacular victory: American Samoa. 

 

The victory prompted a huge spike in Americans googling what American Samoa even is. And a huge spike in them trying to find out if it’s the same as “Samoan Samoa.” (It’s not.) Not only do these people obviously know nothing about geography, but they clearly didn’t see the Rock’s smash hit “Hobbes and Shaw,” (filmed in Samoa) — which is honestly more unforgivable. 

 

Back to Bloomberg; It turns out his victory isn’t entirely unexpected, as he also spent the equivalent of American Samoa’s GDP on his short campaign trail. Expand that to the US, and he was really only 19.5 trillion off winning the entire country over. 

 

Despite this, the next day, Bloomberg dropped out and got behind Joe, much to the disappointment of a small number of American Samoans, Facebook’s ad department and no one else. 

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