Satan Bless Alaska


Satan Bless Alaska

Yesterday an Alaskan government meeting was opened by a prayer in the Satanic faith. The prayer heard; “That which will not bend, must break, and that which can be destroyed by truth should never be spared as demise. It is done, hail Satan”. This sounds dramatic for any local government meeting, let alone local government meeting in the Kenai Peninsula. Whatever that is. But the prayer continued; “let’s cast aside our differences, to use reason, logic, science and compassion to create solution for the greater good of our community.” Pretty vile right?


This turned out to be a little too much tolerance and reason for the Christians present. The snowflakes quickly realised hell was far too hot for them and left the building. The prayer resulted in an exodus and a 40 man strong protest outside the building. This because freedom of religion is a beautiful thing, as long as it’s a Christian religion, of course. 


But, the prayer wasn’t just meant to annoy conservatives or to hold up a mirror to Christians, but a response to recent legislation. Previously, one could only open a meeting if they belonged to or represented a recognised religious institution. 


Aside from the few Satanists that presumably suffered greatly, an atheist and a Jewish woman were also banned from speaking during their invocations. Only since November, is anyone allowed to offer an invocation regardless of religious affiliation. 


So, what does this mean for Alaska, and who are these Satanists anyway? Unlike their name suggests, Satanists don’t set fire to goats, collect spider blood or produce Obama’s birth certificates. In reality, all Satanism wants is to separate religion from the state.


What’s more, the Satanic Temple has a superior track record on leaving children be and they even beat the Christians at their own game. Here are their principles: 


  • One should strive to act with compassion and empathy toward all creatures in accordance with reason.
  • The struggle for justice is an ongoing and necessary pursuit that should prevail over laws and institutions.
  • One’s body is inviolable, subject to one’s own will alone.
  • The freedoms of others should be respected, including the freedom to offend. To willfully and unjustly encroach upon the freedoms of another is to forgo one’s own.
  • Beliefs should conform to one’s best scientific understanding of the world. One should take care never to distort scientific facts to fit one’s beliefs.
  • People are fallible. If one makes a mistake, one should do one’s best to rectify it and resolve any harm that might have been caused.
  • Every tenet is a guiding principle designed to inspire nobility in action and thought. The spirit of compassion, wisdom, and justice should always prevail over the written or spoken word.


And “I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. You shall have no other gods before Me.” Hang on, that’s the first commandment. Scratch that. 


So, while every Congressman and Presidential candidate still needs to pretend they think there’s a man in the sky who blesses the stars and stripes and pretend to walk their mother to church every week, the Satanists of the Kenai Peninsula might be on to something. 

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