Romancing the Stone


Romancing the Stone

This week, Trump commuted the sentence of his longtime confidante Roger Stone. It was surprising and shocking and hard to believe. (However, it was not as surprising or shocking or hard to believe as the fact that Trump actually wore a mask in public this week).


The Trump administration said that Stone had “already suffered greatly.” Meanwhile Stone’s probably been playing golf in Fort Lauderdale after his prison sentence was postponed due to COVID. 


Trump usually doesn’t put too much pressure on himself to alleviate the stress of Americans who have “suffered greatly.” But when that suffering is so bad that it involves celebrity comedians on SNL mocking you, well that’s when he has to step in. 


Stone was initially sentenced in February to 40 months in prison. He was accused of lying to Congress about his efforts to use Wikileaks to dig up dirt on Hillary Clinton in 2016. 


What a waste to go to prison for trying to shoot down Hillary Clinton. She did enough to shoot herself down when she told every coal miner in the entire swing state of Pennsylvania that she’d be putting them out of work.


Not all of Trump’s friends in the White House are happy about his move to commute Stone’s sentence. Apparently Trump was told beforehand that it would be a “big mistake.” However, he couldn’t tell if someone was actually cautioning him or just quoting his favorite scene from Pretty Woman. 


Mitt Romney, who is universally disliked by both Republicans, Democrats, and his own hairstylist, came out strongly against the decision. Trump responded by calling him a RINO, both because he feels he is a “republican in name only” and because of that grey quaff in the middle of his hair that kind of looks like rhinoceros horn. 


Adam Schiff said Trump’s decision was “an impeachable offense.” Schiff is just hoping for another impeachment so we can see a live stream of him talking for fifteen hours on all our TVs again. 


Stone himself has said “Trump saved my life.” Because to Stone, who’s not even that old, a 40 month prison sentence is apparently equatable to death. So, for the foreseeable future, Stone will still be hanging out in Fort Lauderdale, writing love letters to Trump and gluing pictures of his face onto Leonardo DiCaprio’s body in Titanic. 

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