Rat House


Rat House

As Tim O’Brien of Bloomberg recently noted, rat traps are now deployed around the White House to catch pesky rats who are causing an infestation problem. Perhaps they’re searching for all those juicy cheeseburger wrappers and sweet diet Coke cans tossed around the Oval Office.


Let’s be honest, this unfortunate situation is probably President Obama’s fault, somehow. He probably brought these rodents over from Kenya in the bag with his forged birth certificate back in 2008 to spread rare African diseases that innocent red-blooded Americans have no immunity to. Don’t worry, though, President Trump and Alex Jones are all over this case.


It’s unlikely that Trump is enjoying the situation considering he is a notorious germaphobe who finds shaking hands “barbaric.” Trump had to overcome his disgust at it in order to campaign for President, with the aid of more Purel than a stadium full of Obsessive-Compulsives Anonymous.


“Mr. President, we have a briefing on Syria, sir.”


“Tremendous, but first I think I might have gotten ebola from shaking that dirty man’s hand in Orlando. He looked straight out of Liberia or some shithole country.”


“Zero chance, sir, don’t worry. Have some more Purel.”


Aide from back of the room: “Liberia! Excellent, Mr. Trump. Now we’re going to learn another big country, tremendous country so we can learn two for today!”


*Rats applaud in a dancing circle around the nearby nuclear football.”


Rat problems are nothing new for the White House: after all, Trump’s former top lawyer Michael Cohen (who is now eating matzo balls in upstate New York) was an infamous “rat” and a “bad lawyer.”


Unfortunately Trump just can’t seem to get away from pesky rodent infestations. His Trump Tower Grill restaurant in Manhattan was written up in February of this year for having “live mice” and being “conducive to attracting vermin.”


What Trump said recently about inner city Baltimore may be objectively true–and the claims that it is “racist” to point out the poor conditions and crime of the area are somewhat overblown and the kind of concern trolling that won Trump the last election–but perhaps Trump should watch for the rats in his own backyard(s) before worrying about the “disgusting rat and rodent-infested district” of black Democratic Congressman Elijah Cummings of Maryland.


Meanwhile, all this controversy has me hungry. I think I’m going to head to the Trump Grill and ask Chef Ratatouille to grill me up some authentic Mexican tacos.

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