Netanyahu’s Trial (and Error)


Netanyahu’s Trial (and Error)

The Prime Minister of Israel faces trial in Jerusalem this week for bribery and corruption. Benjamin Netanyahu spent the time before his corruption trial launching a Twitter smear campaign against his Attorney General prosecuting him. (Unlike the former governor of Illinois who spent the time before his corruption trial competing on the Celebrity Apprentice). Unfortunately Netanyahu’s smear campaign failed to gain traction. Maybe he would’ve been more successful if he’d asked FuckJerry to post a meme making him look cool. 


Netanyahu seems upset that he’s facing charges of bribery and fraud. But not nearly as upset as he is about the fact that someone might take an ugly picture of him in the courtroom. He even asked to opt out of the opening session to avoid the photo. Apparently he didn’t realise that a criminal trial isn’t really an “opt in / opt out” kind of thing. 


Unfortunately, an ugly photo of Netanyahu was taken. He was wearing a surgical mask — which is the right thing to be wearing if you want to stay safe from the Coronavirus and the wrong thing to be wearing if you want to be allowed entry to a convenience store in Kentucky.


Outside the courthouse, anti-Netanyahu demonstrators soberly watched as their country’s highest leader faced trial during a truly dark moment in the nation’s history. Just kidding. They cheered and popped champagne. To be honest, it was less like a serious political protest than a yacht party in Ibiza. 


Netanyahu’s crimes were twofold. First, he accepted expensive gifts including jewellery and cigars  in exchange for political favours. The most expensive cigar you can buy is still only like $50. So it’s like he lost all political integrity for the price of three craft cocktails.


He also offered media outlets financial incentives in exchange for positive press coverage. Ironically, his desperate desire for newspapers to write good things is exactly the thing that made newspapers write bad things about him. 


Israeli prosecutors have 300 who will testify against Netanyahu. (Which is more than the amount of people the listened to Harry Styles’ latest album).


If Netanyahu is convicted, he’ll have to resign and spend up to 10 years in prison. The upside is that at least by the time he gets out, this whole tie-dye fad will be over. 

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