Matt Hancock-blocker


Matt Hancock-blocker

Boris Johnson explained this week that he’d be keeping all his manifesto commitments except the ones he says he isn’t keeping. (Which is also the way most people will be approaching their post-quarantine diets.)


This created an opportunity for the Conservatives to announce every promise they’re going back on, but it’s okay to go back on because they’re specifically saying they’re going back on them. 


And one thing they’re going back on ASAP is their commitment to creating a Coronavirus contact tracing app. 


Both the NHS and Apple-Google have been working on separate Coronavirus apps. Initially Apple-Google were pretty worried that they’d face steep competition from a national healthcare system that still relies on Windows ’95. 


Early testing of the two apps revealed they were neck and neck. The Apple-Google app was 99 percent effective, meanwhile the NHS app was 4 percent effective. 


Obviously one of these apps was severely underperforming, and Health Secretary Matt Hancock rightly voiced his concern about it. Which did he have a problem with? Naturally, the one created by Silicon valley technology giants that was effective 99 percent of the time. “[It’s not] up to “a standard that we are satisfied with,” he said. 


Weird that he had such high standards considering the fact that his own app was 4 percent effective. It’s kind of like if Danny Devito said Megan Fox wasn’t hot enough for him. Like, does he think he can do better?


Hancock says he’ll be joining forces with Apple to bring together the best of both apps. In this scenario, Apple would be providing all the research and technology. Hancock would be providing, well, cock-all. 


Meanwhile, Apple says they have no idea what Hancock is talking about and have no plans to collaborate with him. It’s the most embarrassing thing to happen to Matt Hancock since exactly 48 hours ago when he called Manchester United star, Marcus Rashford, “Daniel.” 


If Apple refuses to collaborate, maybe Hancock can just ask “Daniel.” 


The Apple app is currently being used in Germany, Italy, the Netherlands and Ireland, and so far it’s working fine. The UK could just follow suit with Europe on this one — things would be simpler, more efficient and make a lot more sense. But the idea of the UK going along with Europe for the sake of ease and efficiency? Well, that’s just preposterous.

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