Lords, Tongues & Lettuce: The £840 Controversy


Lords, Tongues & Lettuce: The £840 Controversy

Lord Naseby has recently written six “official questions” about the quality of sandwiches on offer in one of the peers’ exclusive dining rooms. With written questions costing £140 each, the inquiry is set to cost £840. Not sure which is more shocking — the price tag of the sandwich inquiry, or the fact that it’s possible to have six different “official questions” about sandwiches. 


The dining room in question is the Bishops’ Bar in parliament, one of several dining options (others include the Lords’ Bar and the Peer’s Bar). While the Lord’s Bar is for Lords and the Peer’s Bar is for peers, the Bishops’ Bar is apparently not for Bishops. (Note: “The Lord’s Bar” sounds like the hottest spot to get drunk in heaven).


Recently, there was a change in the Bishops’ Bar; corned beef and tongue sandwiches as well as some salads were taken off the menu. Why? Because apparently the kitchen was too small to adhere to the health & safety requirements needed to make a toastie. 


Lord Nasty Naseby apparently couldn’t get by without eating a cow tongue at work. So relatable.  He responded; “If it’s possible to prepare bacon and eggs in the confined space of a roadside van, I don’t see why the size should be a problem.” The Lord, like most men, would like to believe that size doesn’t matter. 


Although Lord Naseby seems cool to eat scrambled eggs prepared by a roadside van, he’s disgusted by the packaged meals now offered by the Bishops’ Bar. He said: “The pre-packaged sandwiches have too much lettuce and the pre-boxed salads are like eating out of dog bowls — and I mean no offence to dogs,”


No word yet on whether offence was taken by dogs or whether dogs plan to launch an £840 inquiry regarding the comment. 


What the press do know is that sandwiches haven’t sparked this much outrage since the infamous barely-there cheese sandwich served to attendees of the Fyre Festival. That sandwich was also criticized for having “too much lettuce.” Note: why do rich people hate lettuce so much?


Anyway, it’s unclear how the great sandwich debate will resolve itself and how many more £140 questions need to be asked regarding sandwich policy. 


The good news is that the world has gleaned a rare insight into the mind of a prestigious Lord and learned an important lesson: When you have the choice between picking lettuce off a sandwich and spending nearly a thousand quid, spend the money. Every time. 

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