Laundry Day


Laundry Day

Hackers are currently threatening to expose Donald Trump’s “dirty laundry.” Finally some relief for Melania, who’s usually up to her eyeballs in sweaty size 48 Brioni suits and MAGA-embossed undershirts. (Just kidding, they definitely have it sent out.)


In all seriousness, the “laundry” to which they refer isn’t the kind whose stench is wreaking havoc on local DC dry cleaners. It’s the kind whose stench might deter voters from choosing Trump in the next presidential election. 


The hackers promise that people won’t want to vote for Trump after hearing this major dirt. So what could it be? Did he refer to African countries as “shitholes”? Did he pay hush money to a porn star? Did he call Neo nazis “very fine people”? Oh wait…


The hackers stole huge amounts of private data from the New York law firm Grubman Shire Meiselas & Sacks (all of which sound like rejected names for characters in Lord of the Rings). The clients of Grubman etc. include Madonna, U2, Elton John, Rod Stewart and Bruce Springsteen. 


But the hackers didn’t threaten to reveal the darkest secrets of Bruce Springsteen (was he not actually born in the USA?), Elton John (does he not actually like glitter that much?) or Madonna (did she finally reveal whether Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera is a better kisser?). They threatened to reveal info about Trump — who was incidentally never one of their clients.  


In exchange for burying the information, the hackers want $42 million. They released a statement saying,“Grubman, we will destroy your company down to the ground if we don’t see the money.” (Apparently, Shire, Meiselas and Sacks are all off the hook). 


They also encouraged Trump to “poke a sharp stick at the guys,”…although, historically, a well known politician whipping out his “sharp stick” for a bunch of guys has rarely ended well. 


Further, no one is actually clear about the connection between Trump and Grubman (Have they been “poking their sharp sticks” at each other?) The White House has declined to comment. 


If the documents do get leaked, it seems like the one problematic man at the center of all this will ultimately have to bear the blame and responsibility. But Trump doesn’t seem too worried because that man is obviously Barack Obama. 

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