Justin Tru-don’t 


Justin Tru-don’t

Justin Trudeau is considering skipping the United States—Mexico—Canada Agreement (USMCA) summit this week. Apparently he’s too busy watching at-home yoga videos and trying to grow a real beard. 


So it turns out the US—Mexico—Canada Agreement isn’t much of an agreement. It’s not clear if Trump will show up to have awkward chat with Mexican President Andrés Manuel López Obrador…and if he does whether he’ll demand there be a wall between them the entire time. 


Part of the reason Trudeau is sitting this one out has to do with a trade dispute between the US and Canada. The US receives a range of key imports from Canada, chief among them being sexy movie actors named Ryan. (In the past the US has also received some less valuable imports from Canada, such as Justin Bieber music.)


Just kidding. Yes, the most important things to come from Canada to the US were the Ryans (Reynolds and Gosling), but Trudeau is also concerned about something else that’s making that journey: aluminum. 


The US imports a lot of aluminum from Canada. What’s all this aluminum being used for? Mostly to dye the grey roots of Trump’s hair…but it probably has other uses too. 


The US has threatened to re-impose a 10 percent tariff on Canadian aluminum that was lifted last year. Trudeau wants to stop this from happening. That’s why he’s going to act like an adult, sit down with US trade negotiators, and come to an agreement. Kidding, again. He’s just going to ghost them. 


The other reason Trudeau might not be coming is the surge of COVID cases sweeping through the US. Trump has managed to avoid contracting the virus. However, it has infected several White House staff and, most recently, Don Jr’s girlfriend, Kimberly Guilfoyle. 


It’s shocking that someone like Guilfoyle could get infected. And just days after her 42 year old boyfriend was convincing people on Twitter not to wear masks. So unexpected. 


Anyway, it doesn’t matter to Trump who seems way closer to his daughter Ivanka and her husband, Jared Kushner. It’s fair to say that any time an issue came up in the past few years, “he went to Jared” (which is incidentally also the oft-quoted tagline of a tacky jewelry company). 


Maybe he’ll go to Jared to sort out the aluminum dispute. Which would probably produce the same result as anyone who went to Jared Jeweler’s for anything: disgust and disappointment. 

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