In Like Flynn
The justice department has finally dropped their case against Michael Flynn, Trump’s first national security adviser. And if you feel like the Flynn drama has gone on longer than Netflix has been pestering you to watch “Too Hot to Handle,” then you’re right. He plead guilty to lying to the FBI three years ago…you know, back in the olden days when everyone used an iPhone 8 and still listened to Despacito.
Apparently he made “false, fictitious and fraudulent” statements during the FBI’s investigation into Russian interference in the election. It’s unclear whether his statements were problematic enough to justify the description. “false, fictitious and fraudulent,” or whether the FBI just got overly excited about the potential alliteration.
But now Flynn is free. It’s weird because like Tristan Thompson met a bigger backlash for cheating on Khloe Kardashian than Michael Flynn did for lying to the government. Maybe he would’ve faced more justice if his crime wasn’t lying to the FBI, but instead sending out a problematic tweet in 2011.
The Justice Department said it was dropping the case after “after a considered review of all the facts and circumstances of this case, including newly discovered and disclosed information.” It’s hard to say what kind of “new information” you can discover during the Coronavirus lockdown that’s not related to Bruce Willis and Demi Moore’s matching pyjama set or Chrissy Teigen’s cookbook.
Trump still thinks Michael Flynn is “an innocent man.”…which is surprising because even Flynn himself said he was a guilty man.
Trump also said that Flynn is “an even greater warrior.” This phrase was also used to describe a shirtless Gerard Butler in the movie 300, but it probably applies more to Michael Flynn. This isn’t a guy who ruthlessly murdered Persians while wearing nothing but a cape and a loincloth…it’s a guy who had to resign from his government job after three weeks and has probably spent the past three years sitting in a basement in the greater DC area. Who could possibly be a greater warrior than that?
The good news about Flynn’s exoneration is that now he can stop crowdfunding on Twitter in order to pay for his lawyers. (But isn’t that what all great warriors do?). Now, instead of donating to the Michael Flynn Legal Defense Fund, you can spend your money on more important necessities, like food, utilities, and your Club Penguin subscription.