Home Secretary laments loss of traditional British Terror


Home Secretary laments loss of traditional British Terror

Priti Patel celebrated her respawning as Home Secretary by promising to bring back classic British terror to criminals. 


This marks a substantial relaxation in her hatred for the criminal underclass. Previously wanting them murdered, she now wants them to live wracked with terror in every waking moment. 


Ms Patel expanded on this idea in a recent interview. She stated that she wants “criminals to literally feel terror at the thought of committing offences”. This ingenious policy could save millions of pounds in police funding as the very thought of crime could soon be punishable. 


Whilst some were shocked by the language of the (former?) Israeli arms smuggler, the policy has been lauded as ingenious by others. By reducing could-be criminals to walking husks of trauma-ridden flesh, the rates of shop-lifting and petty crime could plummet.


What’s more, hiring thousands of police officers is expensive and costs money that could otherwise be spent on the NHS (then some no deal planning, stockpiling and lastly crowd control).  If only Labour could come up with a bit more of this fiscal genius.  


In a society increasingly divided, with rampant inequality and a growing alienation of the populace, terror seems rather common at the moment. However, the call for ‘capital T-Terror’ is certainly new. Many previously confronted terror on a personal basis in their day to day lives. However, the government sponsored terror campaign would ensure that everyone gets their fair share.


The most important issue of course is Brexit. How can Ms Patel ensure her Terror is quintessentially British? With Terror largely being monopolised by Russian Stalinists, German Nazis, and Jeremy Clarkson’s fear of 12 year old Greta Thunberg, the UK market for Terror is saturated. With the exciting prospect of a no-deal Brexit, stocks of tear gas, police batons and electric nipple clamps may run low. 


Objections have been raised over the risk of sub-contracting the Terror to the Chinese. British jobs in the living-nightmare-making world may be lost to XinJiang prison guards. 


Ms Patel’s vision to replace the PC police who mollycoddle criminals with the thought police who murder them instead is certainly plucky. However, her hunger for Terror is matched by her incompetence. A poorly funded and privatised Terror state with secret police walkouts would certainly be British. 

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