Heartless Dictator Suffers Heart Failure
Kim Jong Un has undergone a major heart operation after his cardiovascular problems worsened. His condition is now rumoured to be critical. Global media is naturally agog that the brutal dictator actually had a heart to operate on in the first place.
US President and fellow cholesterol enthusiast, Donald Trump, has said ‘I wish him well’ of the Supreme Leader. The US administration wants Kim to have a speedy recovery so that he can get back to firing dodgy rockets into the sea and keeping the concentration camp relevant in the twenty-first century. That, and keeping alive the only arguable foreign policy success of the Trump administration.
The North Korean leader, as CNN reports, is in ‘grave danger’ according to an unnamed American official’s intelligence. This was seemingly confirmed by Kim’s unusual absence from his grandfather’s massive birthday celebrations. This might have upset the old man, but given that he died 1994 he’s probably okay with it.
Luckily coronavirus is not something that they have to worry about in the Hermit Kingdom, where the virus has been cured the old-fashioned way, with a simple bullet. Crazy to think that the second amendment warriors in the US didn’t come up with that idea.
There is speculation that Kim Jong Un’s sister, who’s originally named Kim Yo Jong, might have to step in to take the reins of power if her brother’s condition worsens. This would mean that North Korea can finally take a leading role in the UN Entity for the Empowerment of Women.
However, if the North Korean leader is felled by his dodgy heart, expect the official story to tell of how his biblical efforts to bring prosperity to North Korea were too much for a mere mortal to cope with. Rumour has it the embalming chamber is being prepared already.