Election D(el)ay


Election D(el)ay

During this difficult time, there’s been a shining light at the end of the tunnel for many Americans, a one-shot last ditch effort to rescue the country from the clutches of a man who probably ran president in the first place because he gets off on seeing the orange tinted gleam of his skin reflected in TV cameras. And that shining beacon of hope is Joe Biden, the bumbling innocuous Obama VP who recently attended his own rally and then proceeded to ask reporters where exactly he was. 


Never have there been so many Americans invested in the election success of a mediocre white guy from Scranton, PA whose most powerful election tools include reminding people about those memes illustrating his bromance with Obama and broadcasting painfully awkward video calls from his basement. 


Now there’s a chance Joe may not be coming to save the country after all. Because there’s a chance Trump is trying to postpone the election.


Trump says it’s because voting isn’t safe. Obviously it has nothing to do with him just wanting to stay in office as long as possible a la Vladimir Putin while raking in free swag and doing Fox News interviews where he compliments his own intelligence. Nothing to do with that whatsoever. He is genuinely just worried about people’s safety. 


Trump is also worried that a rise in mail in ballots will lead to a crooked election. On that topic it’s probably best to take Trump at his word. After all, if there’s one thing he’s an expert in, it’s crooked elections. 


Trump wants to fight corruption at all costs and ensure that every election is safe and fair. That was probably his motivation when he colluded with Russia and when he tried to get Ukraine to investigate Hunter Biden by withholding US aid. He was just interested in fairness. 


Involving Russian hackers, that’s a fair way to handle an election. But potentially having some undocumented immigrants cast a vote? Well that should be avoided at all costs. 


Trump’s press secretary Kayleigh McEnany recently denounced the delay of Hong Kong’s legislative elections by a year due to Coronavirus. She said it “undermines the democratic processes and freedoms.” But now it seems like the White House is trying to do the same thing. The only difference is that at least Hong Kong didn’t announce the news in all caps on Twitter. 

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