Coronavirus in da house


Coronavirus in da house

Americans are quickly learning that no matter how vile and problematic you think something is, there’s no way to keep it out of the White House. 


It was true of Trump in 2016. It was true of that horribly outfit Melania Trump wore to the Correspondents’ Dinner. And now it’s true of the Coronavirus. 


Two White House staff members have officially tested positive for the virus, including one of Trump’s personal valets. (For those who haven’t watched Downton Abbey, a “valet” is a guy who dresses / undresses you with vague levels of homoerotic tension). 


The government’s attempt to contain the virus outbreak in the White House is just as organised, skilful and astute as their attempt to contain it in the nation. In other words, no one knows what’s happening, everyone’s terrified, and Mike Pence is walking around without a mask. 


Late Sunday, the White House announced that Pence would not be altering his routine in any way. (I.e. he’ll continue drinking Mountain Dew while complaining about gay marriage). 


Meanwhile, top White House health officials have decided on a different but equally valid path: actually self quarantining. Dr. Fauci said he would undertake a “modified quarantine.” This is partially for his health and partially so he has more time to re-watch the SNL skit where he’s played by Brad Pitt. 


Other White House employees are being encouraged to work from home, including Melania Trump’s entire staff. These employees will be sorely missed at the White House for their vital work organizing Melania’s Louboutins and painting on her winged eyeliner. 


Those are still heading into the White House say, “It is scary to go to work.” They didn’t clarify whether they were scared of Coronavirus or scared of what Trump would look like without his valet putting on his matte foundation each morning. 


However, the foremost priority for everyone is keeping the President safe. Kevin Hassett, a top economic advisor to Trump, said, “To get in with the president, you have to test negative.” It’s an unprecedented shift from the beginning of the outbreak, when “to get in with the president,” you only had to be an eastern European supermodel or Vladimir Putin.

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