Sam Pennifold
Politics
by Sam Pennifold

Corbyn gets the flush

By Sam Pennifold
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Corbyn gets the flush

Jeremy Corbyn has had the whip removed by the new New Labour party after the Equality and Human Rights Commission found his leadership of the Labour party to be unlawful due after his slothish handling of antisemitism in his party.

 

The response across the political world has varied, with the left of the Labour party still looking to cling onto their dream of establishing a worker’s paradise in the UK. Many are confused to find out he was actually still in the party, assuming that he had fled to Venezuela after the last election.  

 

Jeremy Corbyn has been a Labour MP since 1983 and was the leader of the party and Her Majesty’s Loyal Opposition from 2015-20. A time which saw him achieve such feats as *checks notes* lose a general election despite then claiming victory and giving Emily Thornberry a firm boob-slap in celebration. 

 

Corbyn plans to continue to sit in parliament as an independent MP, but then again he’s never really towed the party line on anything so this probably won’t make much of a difference.

 

Keir Starmer, the moisturised new face of Labour, was quick to claim this as a win for the Blairites as he continues to purge his party of greying old comrades. 

 

Jeremy Corbyn, who has had one of the longest political careers in modern British politics, might be advised to step down from politics for good, though in his press conference he said “there are still a few arguments left in this old dog yet”. Whether anyone has the patience to listen to an old dog right now is quite another matter.

Sam Pennifold
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Sam Pennifold

Sam is determined to shed light and report truth on the big issues. He is is a self proposed liberal, though only so he doesn’t have to associate with the right side of politics as he fears it could damage his future career prospects

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Cue the Impeachment Parties (but only if they’re happening in Wine Caves)

By Isabelle Bousquette
0

Cue the Impeachment Parties (but only if they’re happening in Wine Caves)

Peaches haven’t been so relevant since Timothée Chalamet shagged one in Call Me By Your Name. Note: why was that scene so much more erotic than any of his sex scenes with Armie Hammer? 

 

Although, contrary to popular opinion, peaches have nothing to do with actual impeachment. On Wednesday, the House of Representatives voted to impeach Trump on two counts (abuse of power and obstruction of congress). Talk about a #HumpDayTreat. 

 

Meanwhile Trump has been calling the entire impeachment process a “hoax” and a “witch trial.” For those hazy on the details, the Salem Witch trials were when a bunch of 13 year old girls were murdered because the Puritan community was uncomfortable with their burgeoning sexuality. Research has not yet been uncovered as to whether those tween-agers were also having backroom phone calls with the President of Ukraine. But, if it does, Trump’s parallel will be totally spot on.

 

When Trump heard the news, he was at a rally in Michigan. He got really red and then reacted the way pretty everyone reacts to bad news: by doing an impression of a widow whose husband’s funeral he helped plan. 

 

So Trump took a major L, but he’s not out of office yet.

 

The House of Representatives vote will trigger another trial in the Senate in early 2020. Bill Clinton was also impeached by the House and then acquitted in the Senate. But he was only getting blowjobs from an intern, whereas Trump was basically getting them from the Ukrainian President. Kidding, it was probably just phone sex. Kidding again. No but seriously, what kind of “favor” was Trump really asking for? 

 

Republicans are accusing Democrats who want to impeach Trump of being politically motivated. Democrats are accusing Republicans who want to exonerate Trump of being politically motivated. Debates are pretty much like: “I’m rubber and you’re glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks on you.” But with like, fancy congress words and stuff. 

 

Trump is also worried that the impeachment is distracting Congress. You know, from whatever it is they normally do. What do they do again? To be honest, the real danger here is that impeachment is distracting everyone from the fact that Pete Buttigieg holds fundraisers in a Wine Cave under a Swarovski crystal chandelier. 

 

As we look to the Senate trial in the new year, there’s a lot to consider. Will witnesses previously blocked from testifying finally appear? Will Mitch McConnell and Chuck Schumer find a way to work together? But the most important question is obviously this one: where is Mayor Pete’s Wine Cave and how can we get in? 

The Wild (Mid)-West 

By onthefence
0

The Wild (Mid)-West

Wisconsin, the home of white people and cheese, finally has something to brag about. In a landmark decision, the state Supreme Court ruled the Coronavirus stay at home order unconstitutional. There were tons of protests and demonstrations, which tbh seems like a lot of effort just to go to a mediocre local bar in Wisconsin. 

 

But go to a mediocre local bar is what people did. In hordes. From Greenbay to Milwaukee, people showed up at their favorite local watering holes. They drank ale. They listened to Brown Eyed Girl repeatedly blare from a raspy jukebox. And they exercised their constitutional right to get infected with Coronavirus. 

 

The ruling was a huge blow to Wisconsin’s Democratic governor, Tony Evers. He said, “This is the wild west.” And, if you’re judging by the number of guns and terrible haircuts, then he’s absolutely correct. (Seriously, substitute COVID for venereal disease, and Wisconsin could be the setting for Disney’s low key racist Lone Ranger and Tanto sequel). 

 

The ruling was made thirteen days before the stay at home order was set to expire anyway. But people really couldn’t spend another thirteen days doing puzzles, watching Riverdale, and wondering if Robert Pattinson’s idea for microwavable fast food pasta is secretly genius. (It is.)

 

That’s why over 1,500 protestors showed up in the state’s capital, demanding that their government stop protecting them from Coronavirus (and start protecting their right to sit in at Wendy’s). 

 

The protest was organized by a group called “Wisconsinites Against Excessive Quarantine.” What these Wisconsonites are apparently not against is Excessive Coronavirus. Incidentally, the founder of the group was not a Wisconsonite but rather a guy from Minnesota. (Was he trying to give Minnesota an edge against Wisconsin in the next football season?)

 

Meanwhile, across the lake in Michigan, protestors are hoping to win much smaller battles. An armed militia is guarding a barbershop where 77 year old Karl Manke has decided he’d rather go to jail than temporarily stop giving haircuts. Karl Manke is also a thriller novelist on the side and sells his books in his barber shop. As a member of the at-risk population, Manke is truly risking both his health and his liberty to give Republicans buzz cuts. 

 

Once upon a time, armed militias were once used to defend America against the tyranny of British taxation. Now they’re used to really old men who just love giving haircuts. 

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