Sam Pennifold
Politics
by Sam Pennifold

Corbyn gets the flush

By Sam Pennifold
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Corbyn gets the flush

Jeremy Corbyn has had the whip removed by the new New Labour party after the Equality and Human Rights Commission found his leadership of the Labour party to be unlawful due after his slothish handling of antisemitism in his party.

 

The response across the political world has varied, with the left of the Labour party still looking to cling onto their dream of establishing a worker’s paradise in the UK. Many are confused to find out he was actually still in the party, assuming that he had fled to Venezuela after the last election.  

 

Jeremy Corbyn has been a Labour MP since 1983 and was the leader of the party and Her Majesty’s Loyal Opposition from 2015-20. A time which saw him achieve such feats as *checks notes* lose a general election despite then claiming victory and giving Emily Thornberry a firm boob-slap in celebration. 

 

Corbyn plans to continue to sit in parliament as an independent MP, but then again he’s never really towed the party line on anything so this probably won’t make much of a difference.

 

Keir Starmer, the moisturised new face of Labour, was quick to claim this as a win for the Blairites as he continues to purge his party of greying old comrades. 

 

Jeremy Corbyn, who has had one of the longest political careers in modern British politics, might be advised to step down from politics for good, though in his press conference he said “there are still a few arguments left in this old dog yet”. Whether anyone has the patience to listen to an old dog right now is quite another matter.

Sam Pennifold
Author

Sam Pennifold

Sam is determined to shed light and report truth on the big issues. He is is a self proposed liberal, though only so he doesn’t have to associate with the right side of politics as he fears it could damage his future career prospects

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Boris Johnson explained this week that he’d be keeping all his manifesto commitments except the ones he says he isn’t keeping. (Which is also the way most people will be approaching their post-quarantine diets.)

 

This created an opportunity for the Conservatives to announce every promise they’re going back on, but it’s okay to go back on because they’re specifically saying they’re going back on them. 

 

And one thing they’re going back on ASAP is their commitment to creating a Coronavirus contact tracing app. 

 

Both the NHS and Apple-Google have been working on separate Coronavirus apps. Initially Apple-Google were pretty worried that they’d face steep competition from a national healthcare system that still relies on Windows ’95. 

 

Early testing of the two apps revealed they were neck and neck. The Apple-Google app was 99 percent effective, meanwhile the NHS app was 4 percent effective. 

 

Obviously one of these apps was severely underperforming, and Health Secretary Matt Hancock rightly voiced his concern about it. Which did he have a problem with? Naturally, the one created by Silicon valley technology giants that was effective 99 percent of the time. “[It’s not] up to “a standard that we are satisfied with,” he said. 

 

Weird that he had such high standards considering the fact that his own app was 4 percent effective. It’s kind of like if Danny Devito said Megan Fox wasn’t hot enough for him. Like, does he think he can do better?

 

Hancock says he’ll be joining forces with Apple to bring together the best of both apps. In this scenario, Apple would be providing all the research and technology. Hancock would be providing, well, cock-all. 

 

Meanwhile, Apple says they have no idea what Hancock is talking about and have no plans to collaborate with him. It’s the most embarrassing thing to happen to Matt Hancock since exactly 48 hours ago when he called Manchester United star, Marcus Rashford, “Daniel.” 

 

If Apple refuses to collaborate, maybe Hancock can just ask “Daniel.” 

 

The Apple app is currently being used in Germany, Italy, the Netherlands and Ireland, and so far it’s working fine. The UK could just follow suit with Europe on this one — things would be simpler, more efficient and make a lot more sense. But the idea of the UK going along with Europe for the sake of ease and efficiency? Well, that’s just preposterous.

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The Room Where Shit Happened

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The Room Where Shit Happened

John Bolton’s back with a vengeance. He’s spent the past year drinking spiced mocha lattes from his four poster bed while the Real Housewives of Atlanta plays in the background and he angrily types his tell-all book with just his index fingers. (Probably). 

 

What’s inside the infamous burn book? Is the world about to learn that Mike Pence a grotsky little byotch? That Jared Kushner too gay to function? That Donald Trump a fugly slut? 

 

It comes out on Tuesday but Bolton is already taking a dramatic victory lap around the broadcast news channels. He’s become an incredibly important figure in Washington DC because he’s done two things that no one has accomplished for years. 1. He’s united republicans and democrats (mostly because they both hate him). And 2. He’s had a successful career without shaving his pornstache. 

 

Bolton called his book, “The Room Where it Happened.” He was probably hoping people would confuse it for a book about Hamilton and then actually want to read it. All it really accomplished was a huge spike in Youtube views of the song from the musical. 

 

At least Bolton knows that as a respected government official who’s made important contributions to American diplomacy, he will always come second to Lin-Manuel Miranda.

 

Trump’s administration recently took Bolton to court to try and stop the book’s publication. Trump lost, so naturally he later announced on Twitter that he had a “BIG COURT WIN.” He went on to say that obviously the judge couldn’t have stopped the book’s publication. If it were that obvious, it’s unclear why he went to court in the first place.

 

Trump also threatened to drop a bomb on Bolton. Honestly that seems like a big to-do. If he really wants to kill the old man, he can just keep loosening Coronavirus restrictions. 

 

Bolton responded by comparing his book, a petty takedown of the guy who fired him, to the groundbreaking once-in-a-generation scandal when the Washington Post published the Pentagon Papers.  

 

John Bolton’s flair for the dramatic can only be matched by that of another famous Bolton. Troy Bolton. And it’s easy to imagine him running, skipping and jumping his way across the Mar-a-Lago golf course while belting out one of the most iconic dance numbers in Disney Channel history. 

 

“Is this book explosive?” A reporter might ask him. He’ll pop the collar on his navy blue polo, spin around and say, “Bet on It.” 

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