Brexit’s Back, Alright


Brexit’s Back, Alright

It’s unclear how much damage the Coronavirus will inflict on the UK economy, and Boris Johnson is understandably worried. That’s why he has a contingency plan. In case Coronavirus doesn’t do enough damage, he’s resuming Brexit talks this week.


Back in 2016, Brexit felt like it was the end of the world. That was before the entire country was forced to spend 11 weeks in sweatpants constantly installing Zoom updates. Now, the UK longs for the day when its biggest problem was Theresa May awkwardly dancing to ABBA. 


The saga of ongoing Brexit talks has officially become more confusing and gratuitous than the Star Wars series. Sure, they bring in new characters every once in a while, but the drama is always the same. At some point you wonder if it’s worth all the money…but you know that if you complain about it, a passionate Twitter troll will take you down.


EU Chief Negotiator Michel Barnier and Downing Street have spent the past week hurling insults at each other. They’re preparing for round four of international trade negotiations. (Although it feels more like they’re preparing for round four of an epic rap battle on Drop the Mic).  


Barnier says the UK is taking “two steps back, three steps back from the original commitments.” Did he misquote the popular idiom “one step forward, two steps back”? If not, why didn’t he just say “five steps back?” Perhaps because efficiency has never been at the center of Brexit talks. 


Downing Street said it would like Brussels to “inject momentum” into the talks. Maybe they should spend less time talking about an imaginary “momentum” injection and more time working on a real Coronavirus vaccination injection. 


Boris Johnson’s team are determined to avoid all of Theresa May’s mistakes. Naturally they believe her biggest mistake was that she didn’t spend enough time hurling public insults at Michel Barnier. Because nothing “gets Brexit done” like telling a 6’3 French guy to go inject himself. 


Barnier says he’s heard both “publicly and privately” that the UK does not want another extension. He says, “We need to clarify that once and for all by the end of June.” Pretty sure it’s clear already: the UK does not want another extension. Seems like Barnier needs to sit through one of those college consent workshops where he learns that “no means no.” 


At the end of the day, one thing is clear: in the grand tradition of Brexit, the fourth round of talks are obviously off to a really promising start. 

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