Another Day, Another Trump Exposé

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Another Day, Another Trump Exposé

Pretty much everyone in America has a creepy racist uncle. (Or a balding middle aged guy who’s clearly not a blood relation but the kids are forced to call “uncle”). But Donald Trump’s niece, Mary, probably takes the cake.

 

Mary Trump, the President’s niece, has decided she can no longer stay silent and let her uncle “destroy my country.” And that’s way she is publishing a tell-all book. It’s a really good thing she stepped in just in time. She’s only one viral plague, one near nuclear war and one impeachment too late.

 

The main theme of the book is that Donald Trump has daddy issues.

 

Unlike most other people with daddy issues, it didn’t lead him towards developing toxic sexual relationships on Tinder with men who vaguely resemble his father and will also withhold their love.

 

Instead, it led him to ten years of really quality reality TV on NBC where he was a jerk and fired tons of people followed by four years of really disturbing reality TV on Fox News where he was also a jerk and fired tons of people.

 

One of the most scathing claims Mary Trump makes is that her uncle paid someone to take the SAT for him. Unfortunately, this was way back in the early days of college admissions scandals, so there was no one there to photoshop Donald’s face onto a really buff guy rowing crew.

 

But even more disturbing than the SAT cheating anecdote is the section where Mary Trump talks about what types of Christmas gifts her uncle gets for her. One year, she received a three-pack of underwear from Bloomingdales. Not sure whether the most offensive part is that her middle aged uncle was buying her underwear or that he was cheaping out with a three-pack.

 

Another year, she received an obviously regifted basket with crackers and salami, and an imprint on the cellophane where a tin of caviar had been. When will Trump learn that he just needs to keep his salami to himself.

 

Mary Trump’s book, just like John Bolton’s book a few weeks ago is a clear attempt to try and cancel Donald Trump. But if there’s anything that’s finally going to take Trump down, it’s probably not going to be books.

 

The thing is: books clearly mean nothing to Trump. If they did, maybe he would’ve read a few of them and then been able to take his own SAT.

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