A Guide to: The Worker’s Party

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A Guide to: The Worker's Party

After an entire week of grinding it out for de-humanizing compensation, health insurance that doesn’t cover your kids’ braces, and a pension you’ll never see, it’s finally time to hit bars! There is no need to lock yourself away and create a divide between the partying and the non-partying class. Everybody is welcome to join, and rounds are distributed equitably among those who need it most. A blackout should be attainable to anyone who’s has had a rough week, is stuck in a dead-end job, and divorced dads. 

 

Though in theory the distribution of rounds should run without a hitch, in-fighting will be inevitable when it comes time to pay up. Some will argue that everyone contributes in relative accordance to their means. This method, however, will come up short by approximately the total value of the bill. The majority will ask for a progressively increasing split but will rely too heavily on their highest earning drinking buddies who, by this time, have already left to frequent an exotic dance club. Be aware of anarchists who might have snuck into the party and just start smashing up the place. 

 

Getting the party to move on to the clubs can be difficult, because every time somebody falls over drunk, everybody has to carry them home. This lightens the load of the mates having to shoulder the full burden on their own, but slowly wears at those who paced themselves at the pub. This especially causes older members to leave and join the exotic dance group, putting increasing pressure on the remainers.

 

Once in the club district, the party will be incensed to find the blatant and remorseless exploitation of the masses through collusion and price-fixing at the door. It will be proposed that cover-charges should be subject to a regulatory body, to ensure free competition and fair pricing. The watered-down drinks are just strong enough to maintain euphoria and stimulate sex-drive in order to numb and distract from the appalling sweat-shop conditions and lack of fire exits. 

 

It comes to the end of the night and you take a cab home, because you actually have more money than you lead people to believe. The house keys ring like a wind chime as you turn them in your lock at the end of the night. Wait, it’s not working. This isn’t your door. Oh, yes, it is. wrong way. The door clicks shut into place as you hit the mattress limp and hard and think: that was a damn good night.  

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