A Guide to: The Conservative Party


A Guide to: The Conservative Party

If you are in the middle of planning an elegant soiree and find yourself drowning in a swamp of chardonnay and canapés, follow these simple guidelines to ensure a wonderful time for all your guests. Well, maybe not all your guests, after all it shouldn’t be your burden to entertain everybody. They need to put in some effort as well. 


Any successful venture into the growth-industry of hosting must begin with an exclusive guest list. You want to make sure you only attract a tasteful diversification of nobility, industrialists, and ill-informed celebrities. Your party needs to represent the elite, the achievability of prosper, and traditional values. Should your good fortune, that is to say, your tireless work ethic you inherited from your father along with a small business loan, have granted you an abode too adequate in size to make that guest list look sufficient, just pop down to the local pub and drag in anything that isn’t urine-welded to the floor. 


It has become common at some gatherings to ‘pitch in’ for minor spirits, such as beer. This is your party, so let loose! Drinking beer is for driving and you’re already home. It will be gin or nothing. You will therefore assertively have no part in paying towards this fund. If you should find yourself, however, in the unfortunate position of having consumed or frivolously wasted your alcohol, have no qualms in diving into the community beer. After all, the rest of the party will benefit from your drinking when the beer ultimately trickles down your pant leg at the end of the night. 


Now that the buzz has set in to lubricate conversation and kill inhibitions, ask your guests about their personal lives and interests. Do they have families, hobbies, investment opportunities? This is a great way to get to know and blackmail people. Special hint: don’t be put off by eccentric tastes. These people have seen the world and gathered a wealth of experiences and societal insight most people can’t comprehend. Special special hint: there is a limit to exotic tastes. Strangling animals is ok, but kiddie stuff is out of the question. 


Don’t worry if party planning seems difficult at first, you will soon get the hang of it! And no matter if you don’t. should you find yourself unable to connect with your guests, you can always just combine yours with a neighbour’s party.     

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