A Bad Bunch


A Bad Bunch

Today’s 800th speech by Theresa May on a Brexit deal started with a small ad for PWC, as the chair took the opportunity to praise his own work on creating jobs in the UK. After that, Theresa outlined the last deal she’ll put forth. 

But, because the press wasn’t really interested, they instead asked several questions about the future leadership of the Conservative Party. So, instead of repeating bullet points from a deal that won’t go through, let’s see what the new leadership might offer.

Sajid Javid

Left Deutsche Bank and took a 98% pay cut to go into politics 10 years ago, which means he knows exactly what most Brits will soon be going through. He also once called Labour’s ‘momentum’ a neo-facist movement and Jeremy Corbyn a Holocaust denier so he can definitely hold his own in a game of PMQ insults with the Labour party. Also unlike Theresa May, he is a Brexiteer. The creme de la creme of them in fact, as he is a member of Jacob Rees Mogg’s European Research Group (ERG). 

Boris Johnson

Boris is probably the most controversial candidate, although there is a good chance the UK is finally desperate enough to let him lead. There really isn’t a group of people he hasn’t yet insulted, which means a Boris leadership could only be better than his previous performances in office. From calling Muslim women letter boxes and black children piccaninnies to saying he wouldn’t visit New York as it would risk running into Trump, and implying Erdogan has intercourse with goats. To be fair, that last one was quite funny. 

Rory Stewart

Unlike the others, Rory has had no controversies and seems to have done a done a good job at getting on with it. This could be because he spent 2 years walking 6000 miles though the middle east and upon his return he confused the Conservative Party for an NGO. Rory is also said to have given the best speech in Parliament ever, which was about hedgehogs. Not sure if that reflects on him or the average speech in the commons. 

Michael Gove

Gove is famous for saying people are tired of experts knowing what’s best for the country. To address this, he made sure the UK won’t be producing any of those by approving 3 creationist schools (where kids are taught Noah’s ark is real and the earth is 6,000 years old) in the UK. On foreign policy, he claimed that the war in Iraq was a ‘proper British foreign policy success‘ with a fully functioning democracy and free press. He also said the British empire was an example of a good empire – which means, we finally know ‘global Britain’ means to Brexiteers.

Esther McVey

A brainchild of UKIP and Margaret Thatcher herself. She claimed all EU nations and the UK would be forced to join the Euro a year before the referndum (although she later walked this back), but there wasn’t enough space on a bus for this claim to be driven around the country. Besides, once the UK leaves the EU, there really is no need to know anything about it anymore. She also said the reason why families in Britain use food banks is becuase they prioritise new mobile phones over food thereby solving poverty in the UK. 

Dominic Raab

He also thought it was best to leave the EU because it was too wasteful and corrupt, and is planning to make the most of Brexit through trade with countries in South America and Asia. Wait, what? Dominic briefly served as Brexit secretary, where he was forced to admit he didn’t quite understand the importance of cross channel trade between the UK and France. Apparently, he  also has “the same sandwich every day” so at least we know he’s well prepared for Brexit shortages. If his daily egg & cress doesn’t make him a psychopath, he also tried to use Brexit negotiations to scrap workers’ rights in the UK.

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