The Prisoner of Downing Street


The Prisoner of Downing Street

You could have been forgiven for failing to believe your eyes when the BBC News update popped up on mobile phone screens around the world ‘PM Boris Johnson tests positive for coronavirus and is self-isolating in Downing Street’.


Surely if it really is as simple as washing your hands for at least twenty seconds and not touching your face, then it cannot have been too hard to keep just one very important person safe from this virus?


It probably goes to show that it is much more contagious than commonly thought. The worrying alternative explanation is that the entire UK-government apparatus can’t keep a man from shaking hands.


A study from Oxford University recently found that up to half of the UK population could have already been infected with the coronavirus without even having known it.


Another study, from the Daily Mail Online this time, concocted a matrix of people who may have given the virus to the Prime Minister. Naturally, all fingers pointed to EU Brexit negotiator Michel Barnier. This should put any doubt as to whether the Mail can blame the EU for anything and everything to rest.


But, even Prince Charles, organic hippy and EU-loving snob who probably washed his hands far too frequently anyway, has managed to fall victim to COVID-19. His younger brother Andrew meanwhile struggles with a lesser-known strain of the virus; SOPHIE-16.


The Prince being tested (for the coronavirus that is…) has been a surprising source of controversy, with some asking why he can get a test when everyone else cannot.


The likely explanation for this is that most people do not happen to be the heir to the British throne. A word of advice to those who still find it unfair; they best keep their peasant-mouth shut, should they want to drive through Parisian tunnels worry-free in future.


But all this has come as quite a surprise in the UK and shows that no one is truly safe from the disease. Indeed, all of the most important people in the British response to the pandemic have simultaneously managed to become victims of it.


Chief Medical Officer for England Chris Witty has self-isolated after experiencing symptoms while the Health Secretary Matt Hancock has too tested positive… so life and death decisions will now take place on Skype over the sounds of dry coughing along with the usual lag and static.


In the PM’s place Michael Gove, the ‘demented Dalek on speed’, has addressed the nation on the ongoing situation. In a recent press conference Gove looked stunned when asked about reducing of the NHS’s critical care capacity while in office.


He must have been surprised to learn that when you cut something, there tends to be less of it. Then again, this is almost certainly the fault of a previous government. Thanks a lot Harold Wilson…

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