Old Man Crashes Range Rover


Old Man Crashes Range Rover

‘Old man crashes Range Rover.’ Normally this wouldn’t be newsworthy, but the BBC decided to classify it as ‘breaking’ – setting off notifications to millions of its app users. So what exactly happened? As it turns out, the man who collects most benefits in the entire country was involved in bit of a scuff.


More precisely: Prince Phillip, on his way to do whatever it is he does (reminding us what Britain was like 100 years ago, shooting p(h)e(a)sants or otherwise making a mockery of Britain on the world stage), drove onto a busy street and crashed ‘his’ car into another one – a car driven by a commoner, no less.


What everyone seems to be very careful of is claiming error on the prince’s part – which, from the evidence, does not seem too difficult to determine. He did not have right of way. End of story. So unless the unsuspecting passengers of the other car – both of whom needed to be hospitalised, thanks in part to the taxpayer-funded Range Rover, twice the size of the Kia the average Brit is likely to travel in – were listening to a Jeremy Corbyn mixtape, texting and perhaps on a mission to turn the UK into the republic it is meant to be, the prince is guilty.


The excuse being peddled at the moment is that the prince was blinded by the sun, and therefore unable to spot the cars cross the road. The prince may even face legal action – one of the few people who would probably improve his quality of life by house arrest. More importantly, locking Phillip up would mean one (fewer) old, racist, entitled scrounger (less on) out on the loose to endanger people going about their 9-5 days.


Sadly, house arrest is an unlikely outcome. More likely: prince avoids any sanction by giving up his license. This would of course force him to be driven by his wife, something I’m sure Phillip has a very progressive attitude to, who does not need a license in the first place. Always good to see those who are entitled, face those with even more entitlement for perspective.


Whether Philip was on MDMA, texting whilst trying to roll a joint is, although not unlikely, not relevant to this situation. Comically, it really does not matter what he was up to, the result is exactly the same; “breaking news, Philip is ok” – as opposed to the more accurate ‘prince carelessly crosses road while blinded, thereby hospitalising two’.


So, should you give a shit? Certainly not about Philip’s feelings about the matter – although we would like to pass sympathies towards the fact that he had to be dragged out of his car by mere citizens, the plebeians and philistines. What must that have been like? Skin to skin with red blooded humans. Ghastly.

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