Politics
Home Secretary laments loss of traditional British Terror
Priti Patel celebrated her respawning as Home Secretary by promising to bring back classic British terror to criminals. This marks a substantial relaxation in her hatred for the criminal underclass. Previously wanting them murdered, she now wants them to live wracked with terror in every waking moment. Ms Patel expanded on this idea in a recent interview. She stated that [...]
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Where’s Beto Yang?
Let's face it, the highlight of Beto O'Rourke's presidential campaign was when he played air drums to "Baba O'Reilly" by The Who in his car. It's all been downhill from there. As for Andrew Yang, the highlight of his campaign was chatting with Joe Rogan. Nonetheless, you have to give both credit for launching their completely meaningless campaign built on image [...]
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Rat House
As Tim O'Brien of Bloomberg recently noted, rat traps are now deployed around the White House to catch pesky rats who are causing an infestation problem. Perhaps they're searching for all those juicy cheeseburger wrappers and sweet diet Coke cans tossed around the Oval Office. Let's be honest, this unfortunate situation is probably President Obama's fault, somehow. He probably brought these [...]
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Society
Summer Kampf
Authorities in Spokane, Washington are investigating the possibility that a neo-Nazi terrorist group called "the Base" will be meeting up in their region for a "Hate Camp". Not only does the name of said gathering show remarkable self awareness, anyone who attended summer camp as a youngster will feel a special pang of nostalgia. Think of the memories: singing around the campfire, [...]
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Moscow Madness
Protesters recently marched through the streets of Moscow for the fifth straight weekend, demanding free and fair elections that include non-Putinist independent candidates. Or, to use a more literal translation from the local coverage, 50,000 Western-brainwashed Russians haven't heard of how massively popular President Vladimir Putin is. Previously, some protesters also felt the need to step in front of heavy batons [...]
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U$ Dip£omacy
In the past few weeks North Korean denuclearisation has gone nowhere, peace talks in Afghanistan have stalled, and the crisis in Venezuela seems to have been forgotten. Instead, all efforts of US diplomacy have gone to (successfully) rescuing rapper A$AP Rocky from the brutal dictatorship that is Sweden. The saga began when A$AP Rocky and his entourage got into an [...]
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Columns
How to Get Rich in Trump’s America
A lot has been said about Donald Trump. Yes, he has the greatest hair. Yes, he has tremendous skin. Yes, he will live another 200 years and defy the laws of physics. Trump has relentlessly emphasized his role in the US stock market’s meteoric rise and for good reason. US stock indices have consistently made news highs under his stewardship. Bar [...]
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Not in the News: Want Milk?
California based Forever Young Inc. recently launched its new product on the shelves of all major supermarkets across the world. "Mama's milk" the name, breast milk the game. Forever Young has contracted over 1 million women across the developing world, including Africa and Asia, to provide breast milk to the company. Fritz Brust, CEO, explains that, “This not only because [...]
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An Inconvenient Truth: The Women’s World Cup
It’s a topic that was likely to blow over after a couple of days – but it hasn’t. And with increasingly flawed arguments being thrown around by increasingly important people it is time to address this issue. Here is the truth about the 2019 Women’s World Cup. Don’t be mistaken, you didn’t end up in a 1920s cigar shop and as [...]
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